May Was A Busy Month

May 1st I started school again. In sight is a Masters degree but it will take some time.  Definitely not trying to overwhelm myself with anything at this point.

May I was recognized for Nurse In Excellence award for Mountain View Hospital. A true honor.

May was also 2 months in a row I had visiting teachers over! Chi-ching! It has been a long time and I made my point that if they could not be consistent, it was ok but if they could not be then just don't come.  I had been wondering if during my time of being released if I had my visiting teachers to talk to if it would have helped but since I didn't have any I couldn't.

May 8th we traveled to Payson UT to be a part of the Payson temple open house.  It was so beautiful and for us to be there as an entire family was even more special.  Realizing that there are not too many temples close enough to travel to for open houses and reality of us being together as a family probably won't happen until Damian gets his endowments. WOW- don't even want to think about that happening right now.

May was also Mother's Day.  Russ and Damian always find a special way to let me know I am loved. Candy bouquet and silly cards will do the trick.

May also was a tuning point for my hair. Lightened it again and the blonde is covering these grey hairs alot easier! So happy about that. No spectacular picture to post.

May also had a few downs.  My boss' wife took her life and it was hard on us at work. To see such a good man go through what he is going through is beyond words.  All we can do is support him and fund raise for him and his kids. We were able to raise over $18,000 in a go fund me account and another $1300 from a bake sale.  What a powerful thing to see everyone come together in times of need.

With all things in life, we keep on moving forward. 

Finding my Place

Man, today was amazing!  What a great sacrament talk I had the privilege of listening to.  You can truly see and feel when someone has spent many hours prayerfully preparing the talk and hoping it reaches someone.  It has been a few weeks since my new calling and I find myself trying to find my place.  I have went into relief society twice and then left right before it started.  It just felt awkward. Today, I made it all the way thru!  I know for many that is no accomplishment, but it was for me.  I also made it to gospel doctrine today. I know my Heavenly Father needed me to be there.  What a great lesson it was.  We talked about the good samaritan and the need for us all to live our lives like Christ.  Discussing who just are our neighbors?  What a topic to hear.  Wiping the tears away, all I felt was the love my Heavenly Father has shown to me the last few months and it makes me ever grateful and willing to live my life to make Him proud.  

Some are born to lend a hand, someone said today, while others have to learn how to do that.  I found that quite helpful.  I think so many times I have wondered why others don't just do what we all should be doing and what I find myself doing each day.  I have also been told by many that 'just some people aren't like that.'  Never did I realize that maybe they just don't know how.

I received two separate letters this week from ladies at church.  Oddly enough, both mentioned that I wasn't approachable.  I still am learning and growing and finding ways to let others in.  It isn't easy for me.  I have a sense of fear letting too many people in and get close to me.  I too have to do my part and let them in.  

Some food for thought.  If you know or see someone in need, physically or emotionally, put that hand out.  Be brave and just talk with them.  Maybe that is all they need is to talk.  You might not have all the answers and that is ok.  They won't expect you to.  They just need to know someone cares.  And on the other hand, if you are the one who needs the help; let them in, accept their willingness to be there for you and let the walls down.  Not everything will be easy but in the end, it will be worth it.

Sandwich for a Friend in Need

Sometimes I am amazed with Damian and the kindness in his heart.  I shouldn't be surprised since we have done all we can to instill in him good values and morals, but just sometimes he says things that I am in awe of.

We were just discussing making sure he was taking some extra snacks so he can fuel up before football practice.  I mention a couple items I think would be fitting.  He then replies, "if I can go without a sandwich at lunch, I think I will be ok until I get home."  I pause and ask what he means. He then proceeds to tell me that he gives his sandwich to a kid at school every day.  I ask why (of course making sure it isn't a bullying issue), and he replies "he doesn't have any lunch every day, so I just give him my sandwich."

Any one who knows my kid, knows he can eat!  For him to willingly give his sandwich every day melts my heart.  I know that he doesn't really see the deeper meaning but  I am so proud of the man he is becoming and the humility and kindness he shows to others.  It reminds me that no matter what encounters we have in our lives, that perhaps we can be that good samaritan in someone else's life.

A New Chapter

A new chapter has begun.  I was called to serve as personal progress leader in young women's.  I am a little anxious since I have no idea what I am doing but I am also very excited to be a part of this special portion in the young women's lives.

Young women's was a huge part of my life.  I remember striving to earn all my medallions and felt so great about the accomplishment.  Young women's leaders in my life played a huge role.  There were so many times when they were all I could turn to.  They always had an open door for me and helped me through some trials of being a teen.

I have thought of my Savior often before I accepted the calling but felt reassurance when I know that I am one of my Heavenly Father's daughters and that He wants nothing but the most for each of us.

I hope I have the opportunity to touch just one of these young women's lives as mine touched me.

Feeling My Savior's Love

I am so thankful for my Savior and the love He gives to me.  As I sat in the C room yesterday, I found myself sitting in the same seat I have been for the last few months.  I sat on the couch directly across from the picture of Him.  I love being able to look at Him straight on.

Yesterday was different for some reason.  I sat, looked up at Him, and began to think about the picture.  I began to sob each moment I looked at Him.  I imagine His arms reaching out and telling each of us "I am with thee."  In our darkest moments and our deepest needs we should remember those words.

I then really focused on His hands.  The hands and wrists that were pierced for me.  The pain He suffered for me.  The life He lead for me.  What on earth do I have to complain about when He has already felt everything I am feeling.  Now, I know first hand that is way easier said then done.  We feel completely alone when in reality He is just wanting us to be able to make the choices and decisions He already knows we are going to make.  We were given agency for a reason and it is the plan of our Heavenly Father that we are able to make choices in time of need regardless of reassurance.

I felt a great impression as I looked at Him that he was telling me "Do not give up. Do not lose your way.  Do not lose all that you have worked for."  When the reassurance had faltered, it was right there in front of me.

I have learned a great deal about my faith the last little while.  I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior want me to have faith in all I do.  Having faith that He has a plan for us, will only empower us and strengthen our testimonies in the things we are looking for.  

Going Under the Knife

Other than having ear tubes at 6 months old which Damian has no recollection, this would be his first time going under the knife at a point where he would be able to have some memories from it.

Last summer he hurt his shoulder in football practice.  Since it didn't require a hospital visit, I blew it off to general pain that he chose to exaggerate the pain.  What was an occasional complaint of it still hurting became an every day pain that motrin and tylenol were not helping.  I finally took in him to the dr the end of December.

He was ordered for xrays and an orthopedic referral.  Xrays were negative and orthopedic ordered an MRI.  MRI results showed a bankart tear.  Yep, biggest loser mom award!

After some consulting and weighing the options we chose to get it fixed with surgery so it would be less of an issue when he plays football again this year.

Damian was actually excited for the surgery just to be out of pain.

Day one of surgery, he received a nerve block so he had dead fish arm.  He was fascinated by it but also very confused because he couldn't move any part of it.

Day two, recovery day one, his nerve block wore off and he finally had to take some pain medicine. He was able to continue to be comfortable and get through the day.

He has made progress and is doing his exercises to gain mobility again.  Ice is our new friend and he comes out of the sling when we are home since there is little danger of injuring it again.

We are prepping him to go back to school Monday.  Just hoping he doesn't get ran in to too much.  I hope he can get through the day without too much pain.  He is a trooper!

I must say it has been enjoyable being able to be a 'mom' to him in need.  Brushing the hair, helping take off shirts.  I will take it wherever I can get it these days.  Tucking him in bed and helping prop his shoulder up is just another little way to enjoy the moments of being needed.

We are thankful for all the prayers for him to be well.

Give Thanks and Let Go

I am so thankful for so many things in my life but this needs to be a post about the thanks I have serving in primary.  I need to do this so I can more easily let go and move on.  Instead of constantly thinking of the sadness and anger I need to remember the good to open a new chapter with no regrets.

I was never prepared for the things primary would give to me.  I never knew how much my Heavenly Father loved me until He gave me that blessing.  At first I was petrified.  I felt like I knew nothing so how I would I teach anything to the children who depended so much on us.  I remember leaning so much on my Heavenly Father for direction.

There were times when the spirit would speak so strongly about a certain child that I could not help but go make sure they were ok.  Perhaps it was just them knowing that they were thought of as an individual.  I am thankful for that inspiration what was given to me.

I am thankful for the many blessings I received by just being present with them.  I remember one of the many things that often gave me peace was knowing that our Savior would immediately go to primary to be near the children.  That was always comforting.

I am thankful for the many who I served with.  I am thankful for their diligence and love for the children as well.  I am thankful for the hours I would get to spend preparing thoughtfully about lessons, visits or activities.

One activity will always be a great memory.  A day in the life of Jesus.  It was remarkable.  The spirit had never been felt so strong as we learned and walked through His life.  A day that helped me never to forget all that He gave for us.

I am ok now.  Sure I still have some feelings of confusion, anger and sadness but it is getting easier.  I am thankful that my burden has been made light.  I know that the next chapter in my life will still involve 100% of my heart regardless of where that leads me.  I will serve with humility and wait for another set of blessings to come my way.  I am ready to try to let go and be happy.

Processing The Steps

I owe the steps that I have taken in the last week to a couple things.  A very special and emotional blessing gave me the comfort I needed to start to heal.

I get it.  I get that some people are giving me my space.  I also get that those who are checking on me either daily or weekly are extending the hand I so desperately need.  This week has at least been full of distractions as I worked 6 days and had little time to be thinking about primary.  I smiled this week which was new for me in several weeks.  That felt nice.  I am so thankful for the unexpected people who sent me messages this week.  Some very personal that it made me feel at peace with my feelings.

My current struggles are with a certain few people who I actually did expect a text or call from.  That stings a lot.  Clearly the relationship that I thought we had was not anything merely than either convenience or need. That's ok.  Really.  I am still new to this and now at least know what to expect the next time.  I just think of myself on the other side and know that I would never be the one to just walk away and not let them know I am thinking about them or care about what they are going thru.  But I suppose I shouldn't have expected that in the first place.

I am now thinking if it will be awkward for me, probably not them, when I pass them in the hallway.  How will I let that go.  I suppose just like the pain, those hurtful feelings will dissipate as well.

I also have been thinking how to even handle a new calling when it comes.  I don't want to be like this every time I have a calling.  I just hope that this process eases the next.  I know from everything we grow and understand things that are prepared for us.  Fingers crossed.

The Only Thing I Know Is Over

The words "we are ready to release you" were the most painful things I could have heard that day. My heart is broken.  I was released today as primary president.  I have known for a few weeks that this was happening but have been unable to talk about it, making it much worse. Just when I think I have cried all my tears out over the last few weeks, I find myself crying again. I want to badly to just hug them all at once and just cry.  I know this sounds so ridiculous to many and most of my feelings are just too much to even get out.

I find myself feeling as if I am grieving the loss of 100 children.  I cry at the sight or thought of not being with them every week.  I have been crying when the primary children come up and hug me knowing this won't happen anymore.  I cried when a child waved at me and smiled.  I cried when I heard them sing some of my favorite songs.  I cried as they bore their testimonies in sacrament. I am sad that this part is over.  I can not lie and say I feel relieved because at this point I do not.  I feel angry and confused.  I have a wall up and it doesn't seem to want to come down.  For those who know me well, know that this is just my defense mechanism. They know it isn't real but if I don't do this, I won't be able to face them.

All I know is primary.  After being reactivated, I was called into primary after 4 months so I know nothing else.  The 4 months I was in relief society, I felt alone and not like all the other parents.  I found myself feeling judged for being a working mom when almost every lesson resulted in talking about stay at home moms.  I was so happy to be out when I was called into primary.

I am scared that I have no reason to go.  I am scared to wonder if I have the strength to show up. I am not going to sugar coat my feelings about it.  I feel lost.  I feel alone and I feel like no one understands.

Why do I feel like no one understands?  Well, I have had the chance to talk to some dear friends prior to my release and everyone would seem so non-emotional about it.  They would say "there will be another calling", "just let it go" and other words that in no way made me feel comforted.  I then wonder why am I taking this so hard.

When I was called into the primary, I had been praying about wanting to be around children more and was considering moving jobs to be at a pediatric facility.  I figured instead Heavenly Father wanted me to have 100 of them at one time every week.  That was the answer to my prayer.

Now, I was scared and had no idea what I was to do.  I had never had a calling before.  I didn't know much about the gospel from being inactive for 15 years.  How would I be able to teach the kids? Were they sure I was the right person?

I have grown to appreciate the gentle sweet spirit the children have, the innocence and the inspiration they bring.  It is so easy to love them.  Of course there were times of frustration on many levels. Feeling the burden of the well-being of all the children, the lack of committed teachers at times, and even  at times feeling like I was alone with the concern of all the needs in primary.  Will I miss that? Perhaps it will be relief at the beginning but in reality I was used to it.  I was used to scrambling for teachers or splitting up classes.  I was used to the burden to care for them all. I was used to being the one who wanted only to do more and more for the children. And now, I have nothing to do.  That is not relief.  

My thoughts have wandered to not understanding the plan Heavenly Father has for me.  Why would He take the only thing I love and know in the church away from me.  Again, I know for many reading this there are so many logical church answers.  Regardless of the response you have, I am not interested.  I will listen but it won't sink in.  It doesn't make me feel better.  Not right now.  Maybe in time but just not now.  Reading talks about 'don't be sad when you are released' is a bunch of crap.  I am sad and I don't want to feel judged because I am.

I just need time to grieve. I need time away from it all.  I need time to find my place in this big social community of church.  I need to find where I belong. I need people to try to be understanding.  I don't expect acceptance or people to agree. Let me deal with it in my own way and in my own time.

Hopefully One Day All These Feelings Will Be Understood

This is my way of remembering the events leading up to my release as primary president:

2/15/2015
I couldn't even make it through sacrament. Left right after the sacrament was passed.  Just too much to handle.

2/22/2015
It was stake conference so because it was a different environment, was not just our ward, I did ok.

3/1/2015
Why is this so hard?  I wish I could make it one Sunday without crying.  First, it was testimony meeting so when a few of the kids got up I lost it.  The songs in sacrament all made me cry.  

I made sure I hugged each primary child today before they left the room.  I had sharing time so I was able to hold it together during that.  Today we started our videos for a special event (still a secret) and it was amazing to hear the words they spoke.  I know I won't be able to be a part of the finished product but I will be excited to hear them all when the time comes.

3/9/2015

So yesterday was ok. I cried and left during sacrament.  I listened to remainder of sacrament in the primary room on the speakers.

Primary was a disaster. I unfortunately can't hide my red polka dot face so lots of kids were asking what was wrong and a few adults as well.  Just have to tell them "I will be ok, thank you".  Left to go outside a few times to compose myself.

I turned over my binder at the end of primary after everyone had left. Went over the contents.  She looked overwhelmed but I know she will be fine once she is set apart.  Plus she knows she can ask me anything she needs to know. I kept it together while I explained what I needed to.  I told her I had to get the remaining things at my house reboxed so she can pick up this week.  I did this all yesterday knowing that next sunday I will not be in the right frame of mind to talk about anything.

We had a special ward council with our spouses after church.  Of course because of the current situation, I took all of it and felt like it was directed to me.  All about our callings, confidentiality and when we are called or released. YEP! ALL ABOUT ME I would say!  I cried during that meeting too. Really cried during the closing prayer as I realized it was my last ward council as primary president when I would always make sure to relay any needs for the children and their families.  UGH!

Russ had a meeting with the missionaries after that meeting so he stayed inside the chapel and I waited in car.  Russ came out about 5-7 mins after the missionaries.  He said a member of the bishopbric pulled him aside and asked how I was doing. I am sick of everyone asking Russ how I am doing.  Am I invisible?  Why won't they talk to me?

Later during the day Brother Concoby came over.  When he first walked in he gave me a huge hug.  He apologized 'as a friend' for not coming over sooner. He said he should have.  He shared with me a story of when he was released from a calling that he had a hard time with. He said it took him a few months to come around to his new calling.  At least I felt validated with my feelings. Russ did most of the talking. I just couldn't find the words. 

He of course mentioned he has a great calling in store for me when I am ready to accept.  I told him I just wasn't ready.  He also expressed concern with me missing sacrament.  Just cared about sacrament. I see his point but didn't promise anything after next week.

He will be making weekly visits to our home to check on me in a more private manner.  He feels like I would open easier not around the church.  He offered a blessing the next time he comes as he understands next week is when I will really need it.  Encouraged Russ to give me one before then.

He cried, I cried, we all cried.  It felt good to have him express his care and concern.  

We shall see what the week holds.  I am planning to go to the temple a couple times again this week.  I am not sure what I am looking for there other than peace, even if it is temporary for now.  Just need to look at the picture of the Savior in the C room and feel His presence.  

3/11/2015
I am getting a little more anxious as Sunday quickly approaches.  I have been listening to the council of our first presidency and 70 to gain strength before then.  Pulled up to work this morning and had the realization that I had to start boxing up the remainder of the primary items at the house to hand over. After a few tears, I pulled myself together.  Still feeling heart broken.

3/13/2015
This morning was the day I had to box all the remaining primary items in boxes.  Tried to neatly organize while thinking the whole time what craziness all the lesson manuals and pictures brought at the end of the year.  I put the cloud testimonies in a ziplock bag, read them one last time and wiped the tears away.  Sat on the porch for a few minutes taking a deep breath after I was done.  Working brings so many distractions and doesn't give me too much time to think about the hurt.  Now with the next couple days off before my release it isn't so easy. I found a statement on the internet last night 'going thru the motions'.  That is about all I can do at this point.  

3/14/2015
I am started to wonder how tomorrow will go.  Was I just a warm body for 2 years?  Will anyone but me even care that I am no longer in primary?  I have that nervous sick feeling in my stomach.  It is more apparent that this is the 'final step'.  I feel so bad that I am bringing Russ down.  He held my hand this morning and cried with me.  He is sad that I am so sad.  I told him I can only try my best to move on.  I am trying.  One moment seems fine and then the next I am not.  I don't understand how to change this.  Yeah, I have been putting on fake smiles. I don't want someone to think their story isn't funny or that they aren't cared about so a fake smile is about all I can offer.  I anticipate probably a restless night sleep.  

3/15/2015

I woke up this morning and before I could even get out of bed, I began sobbing.  Russ just held me.  I am not bothering with makeup today.  What is the point.  Russ and I agreed that we would only stay for sacrament.  I can't bare to look at the children or anyone else for that matter.  Every emotion feels intensified today.  Looking at the clock and in my mind realizing it is just hours away now.  I feel ridiculous for these feelings but honestly at this point, I just don't care what anyone thinks.  

A Special Thanks

We all have those in our lives that we quickly turn to in time of need.  Those who are there for your unconditionally and always without judgement.  Those who will just listen to you with love and then always have some words of encouragement.

These true friends are hard to come by and after years you just consider them 'family'.

These friends are some of the most important and influential people in your life.  They are able to break the walls down and get to the deeper emotional need of you.

They are those who might be busy themselves but then spend their whole night at your house because 'you just need a friend'.

These friends are those you could not imagine your life without and thank Heavenly Father for putting them in your lives.

Drew and Chris Leavitt, you are truly some of the most important people in our lives.  We want to give you a special thanks.  In 2003, we would have never imagined that our new neighbors, would be lifelong friends. You have never once made us feel inferior, and just the opposite, have always made us feel just as deserving. You have always had the belief and faith in us as individuals and as a family.

You have dropped everything you are doing to be at our side in time of need.  The strength you bring to me as a wife and mother, who at times struggles with a full plate, is priceless.  The reassurance and guidance you provide to Russ is like that of no others.

We want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  I could go on and on about the amazing times we have shared but that would be a novel in itself.  We never want YOU to doubt our thankfulness.  We love you both so very much and our lives are only blessed with you in it.

Reality Hurts

Reality is that we will probably never be blessed with another child. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am so in love with our son and he is the most amazing gift to ever be given to us. However, it does not make the yearning go away, it does not make that desire to hold a new child in your arms go away, it doesn't ease the pain of not understanding why we won't be given that chance.

I am angry.  I am hurt.  I wonder why my Heavenly Father won't bless me in that way.  Does He not think we can do it?  Does He not think we have enough love for another child?  WHAT IS IT?

What led me to taking this test after we have been told numerous times we are unable to have children? Well being 13 days late made me.  I have been a week late but never this long.  

The shock of 'what if', 'why this long wait'.  The anxiety of how will we start all over again.  The wonder of how is this possible considering Russ' last analysis showed zero.  Yes zero!  In all those feelings, the silent excitement of perhaps this is all happening for a reason.

After waiting day by day for my cycle to start, it didn't.  We walked into the store and bought the test.  So weird considering we haven't done a test in about 10 years.  Tears were abundant.  After taking two tests and both with the same result, reality hit.

Could there be a sigh of relief for Russ?  I am sure.  When we already budget our lives it is easy to be at peace with not having the struggle.  Then I say "well how do they do it with 5 and 6 kids and only one income?"  Clearly Heavenly Father provides a way for them, and He will do the same for us.

Although a sense of relief of not beginning all over again after almost 15 years, it still makes me angry and THAT is the reality.  I am angry.  I am honestly hurt.  I wonder if anyone knows the pain and hurt.  I don't see any families at church with only one child.  I feel like an outcast.

Then when people make comments like 'cut the cord' or 'your mom shouldn't always make your decision' or 'do what you want to do' to Damian.  The reason I don't want to live any day of my life without my son is because he is my only one.  I know some comments are meant as humor, but honestly, I will never take it as that.  I take it very personal.  No, I will never hold Damian from going somewhere he wants to go, taking a school trip or going on a mission.  It doesn't mean it makes it any less painful.  So take it from someone who is saying this, please stop thinking I am 'too controlling'.  I will never stop.  He is my world and I will do all that I can to spend every day and every meaningful moment with him.

As I continue to wipe the tears as I write this, I just want to one day understand why.  I know I may never understand in this life.  I walk by faith that I will one day have the answers.  But please understand in this life, when I have a day like today, just be a little more understanding and a little more sympathetic to the one who only has one child.