This is my way of remembering the events leading up to my release as primary president:
2/15/2015I couldn't even make it through sacrament. Left right after the sacrament was passed. Just too much to handle.
2/22/2015
It was stake conference so because it was a different environment, was not just our ward, I did ok.
3/1/2015
Why is this so hard? I wish I could make it one Sunday without crying. First, it was testimony meeting so when a few of the kids got up I lost it. The songs in sacrament all made me cry.
I made sure I hugged each primary child today before they left the room. I had sharing time so I was able to hold it together during that. Today we started our videos for a special event (still a secret) and it was amazing to hear the words they spoke. I know I won't be able to be a part of the finished product but I will be excited to hear them all when the time comes.
3/9/2015
So yesterday was ok. I cried and left during sacrament. I listened to remainder of sacrament in the primary room on the speakers.
Primary was a disaster. I unfortunately can't hide my red polka dot face so lots of kids were asking what was wrong and a few adults as well. Just have to tell them "I will be ok, thank you". Left to go outside a few times to compose myself.
I turned over my binder at the end of primary after everyone had left. Went over the contents. She looked overwhelmed but I know she will be fine once she is set apart. Plus she knows she can ask me anything she needs to know. I kept it together while I explained what I needed to. I told her I had to get the remaining things at my house reboxed so she can pick up this week. I did this all yesterday knowing that next sunday I will not be in the right frame of mind to talk about anything.
We had a special ward council with our spouses after church. Of course because of the current situation, I took all of it and felt like it was directed to me. All about our callings, confidentiality and when we are called or released. YEP! ALL ABOUT ME I would say! I cried during that meeting too. Really cried during the closing prayer as I realized it was my last ward council as primary president when I would always make sure to relay any needs for the children and their families. UGH!
Russ had a meeting with the missionaries after that meeting so he stayed inside the chapel and I waited in car. Russ came out about 5-7 mins after the missionaries. He said a member of the bishopbric pulled him aside and asked how I was doing. I am sick of everyone asking Russ how I am doing. Am I invisible? Why won't they talk to me?
Later during the day Brother Concoby came over. When he first walked in he gave me a huge hug. He apologized 'as a friend' for not coming over sooner. He said he should have. He shared with me a story of when he was released from a calling that he had a hard time with. He said it took him a few months to come around to his new calling. At least I felt validated with my feelings. Russ did most of the talking. I just couldn't find the words.
He of course mentioned he has a great calling in store for me when I am ready to accept. I told him I just wasn't ready. He also expressed concern with me missing sacrament. Just cared about sacrament. I see his point but didn't promise anything after next week.
He will be making weekly visits to our home to check on me in a more private manner. He feels like I would open easier not around the church. He offered a blessing the next time he comes as he understands next week is when I will really need it. Encouraged Russ to give me one before then.
He cried, I cried, we all cried. It felt good to have him express his care and concern.
We shall see what the week holds. I am planning to go to the temple a couple times again this week. I am not sure what I am looking for there other than peace, even if it is temporary for now. Just need to look at the picture of the Savior in the C room and feel His presence.
3/11/2015
I am getting a little more anxious as Sunday quickly approaches. I have been listening to the council of our first presidency and 70 to gain strength before then. Pulled up to work this morning and had the realization that I had to start boxing up the remainder of the primary items at the house to hand over. After a few tears, I pulled myself together. Still feeling heart broken.
3/13/2015
This morning was the day I had to box all the remaining primary items in boxes. Tried to neatly organize while thinking the whole time what craziness all the lesson manuals and pictures brought at the end of the year. I put the cloud testimonies in a ziplock bag, read them one last time and wiped the tears away. Sat on the porch for a few minutes taking a deep breath after I was done. Working brings so many distractions and doesn't give me too much time to think about the hurt. Now with the next couple days off before my release it isn't so easy. I found a statement on the internet last night 'going thru the motions'. That is about all I can do at this point.
3/14/2015
I am started to wonder how tomorrow will go. Was I just a warm body for 2 years? Will anyone but me even care that I am no longer in primary? I have that nervous sick feeling in my stomach. It is more apparent that this is the 'final step'. I feel so bad that I am bringing Russ down. He held my hand this morning and cried with me. He is sad that I am so sad. I told him I can only try my best to move on. I am trying. One moment seems fine and then the next I am not. I don't understand how to change this. Yeah, I have been putting on fake smiles. I don't want someone to think their story isn't funny or that they aren't cared about so a fake smile is about all I can offer. I anticipate probably a restless night sleep.
3/11/2015
I am getting a little more anxious as Sunday quickly approaches. I have been listening to the council of our first presidency and 70 to gain strength before then. Pulled up to work this morning and had the realization that I had to start boxing up the remainder of the primary items at the house to hand over. After a few tears, I pulled myself together. Still feeling heart broken.
This morning was the day I had to box all the remaining primary items in boxes. Tried to neatly organize while thinking the whole time what craziness all the lesson manuals and pictures brought at the end of the year. I put the cloud testimonies in a ziplock bag, read them one last time and wiped the tears away. Sat on the porch for a few minutes taking a deep breath after I was done. Working brings so many distractions and doesn't give me too much time to think about the hurt. Now with the next couple days off before my release it isn't so easy. I found a statement on the internet last night 'going thru the motions'. That is about all I can do at this point.
3/14/2015
I am started to wonder how tomorrow will go. Was I just a warm body for 2 years? Will anyone but me even care that I am no longer in primary? I have that nervous sick feeling in my stomach. It is more apparent that this is the 'final step'. I feel so bad that I am bringing Russ down. He held my hand this morning and cried with me. He is sad that I am so sad. I told him I can only try my best to move on. I am trying. One moment seems fine and then the next I am not. I don't understand how to change this. Yeah, I have been putting on fake smiles. I don't want someone to think their story isn't funny or that they aren't cared about so a fake smile is about all I can offer. I anticipate probably a restless night sleep.
3/15/2015
I woke up this morning and before I could even get out of bed, I began sobbing. Russ just held me. I am not bothering with makeup today. What is the point. Russ and I agreed that we would only stay for sacrament. I can't bare to look at the children or anyone else for that matter. Every emotion feels intensified today. Looking at the clock and in my mind realizing it is just hours away now. I feel ridiculous for these feelings but honestly at this point, I just don't care what anyone thinks.
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