Deeper Meanings

Today is Father's Day and for reasons it has been more emotional for me this year than in the past.  Many have fathers that have never been present in their lives.  Many have fathers that have been a part of nearly their daily lives.  My story is a bit different.

Part 1 of my story:  My step dad who raised me from around age 3 until I moved out was there for me until age 21.  At that time, him and my mom were divorced. Shortly after, he was no longer the present figure I once had.  There were no calls from him to me, only the opposite.  Finally I came to realize that his new life was not a part of mine.

It has been almost 13 years and I have seen only a hand full of times.  At some point I began to move on and although there are occasional times of wonder and sadness I have been able to forgive him.  Now many might say "what does he need to be forgiven for"?  Nothing particular.  Just a way for me to be at peace. Just forgiving him for the anger and sadness him leaving caused.

Part 2 of my story:  My father and mother divorced when I was around 2.  I don't recall as a young child when I got to see him (he was in the army) but I remember for sure around age 10 going to see him regularly during the summer for a couple weeks when he and my step mom lived in Barstow, CA.

I have always had a loving relationship with him.  I recall when I would be leaving home during the summer from being with him, I would just cry.  I would cry because I knew the next time I saw him it would be a year later.  I enjoyed so much the summers and those precious times I was able to form a relationship and know that he still loved me even though he was not a daily presence in my life.

I try to text or call him every couple weeks even if it is just a quick hello to see how they are doing.  They now live in Arkansas.  Often it is to make sure they are safe from the tornados!  We skype on occasion and I always make sure to spend the extra time on holidays.  Not sure why I do that as that is when I am the saddest I am not with him.

I long to be close to him in distance.  I long to have that time I never got as a child.  I long those hugs and just the simplicity of sitting next to him on the couch.  I miss those knuckle sandwiches and the sayings that now I have started to say.  I just miss him so much.

So today, I am saddened that I can't be with him to give him that hug and to show him how much I love him. Even posting a photo of him was too sad for me.