Different Types Of Friends

There will always be different types of friends in your life and I have begun to see how amazing that can be.

I have friends who are great professionally and always there to help when I need.  They support you, trust you and ultimately you can discuss anything work related and they seem to understand all the emotions from being an ER nurse.

I have long time friends who I can tell anything and everything without fear of being judged and also knowing they will always be there for me.  We may not necessarily hang out too often but weekly talks or encounters still continue our dear friendship.

I have spiritual friends.  These tend to be the ones I go to and talk about the gospel, discuss questions and validate spiritual meanings of events in our lives.  They can make you feel like everything you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing and together both testimonies grow stronger with one another.

There are few people who fall into each category and that is ok.  I am content with that.  I always know who to call about what subject and know I will get what I need at that exact time.

There will always be others whom you just relate to acquaintances.  Those you talk to, maybe even often, but have no specific connection to.  These people are great to know, great to talk to and great to hang out with.  These are the relationships we choose to either keep as such or choose to strengthen and grow into one of the others.

I am blessed to have some friends in each category and I am confident in those relationships.  I feel like everyone in my life has been placed for a specific reason and I am ever grateful for the memories I make with each of them. 

My One True Love

 Today my sweet love we celebrate 14 years happily married.  Today we remember that special day in our lives when we would take and make vows to love one another, forgive one another and be there for one another always.

I want you to know how much I love you!  You are always the one who is there for me regardless of anything that may be going on.  You are the one who has come to know me deeper than anyone ever has.  You are the one who has forgiven me for my bad days and faults and then praised me for my good days and strengths.

Together we have overcome some trials.  We have seen thru the shallowness that can be seen in other relationships.  We have grown together.  We have seen the true love that can actually exist and the love that forms when least expected.

I love how you still look at me.  I love how you still want to kiss me and hold my hand.  I love how you think of me at every sweet gesture.  You remember things months later that I have said I desired.

14 years seems like such a great accomplishment but when it comes so easy it seems just like yesterday.

In this short time we have made so many great things happen in our lives.  Sure there a few we wished we could have done differently or done at a different time.  There have been many desires to have another child but have not had that blessing but yet marvel in the great love we have for Damian.

Thru it all, we have cried together, laughed together and loved together.  We hope to show what true love is and make sure Damian always seems how we can love each other.

Yes, we are very different.  We have different ways of parenting and we have different interests.  But just because we are different doesn't make us incompatible.  It makes us appreciate the difference and then absolutely love the similarities.

Some of the simple and funny things I love about you:  when I say to get 'mustard' and you bring home every possibility of mustard so you can't be wrong.  When I have a drink waiting for me when I wake up after a long night of work.  When you do simple things like fill my car with gas or get it washed.  Everything you do is really for me and that makes me proud to have you as my husband.  Other girls should be so lucky to have someone just like you!

You bring me up when I am down.  You hold me when I need to cry.  You support me in all that I do and then never question my responsibilities as a mother, supporter and my calling in church.

Russ, you are my one true love.  My soulmate.  My forever.  My eternity.  I will love you forever.  I can't wait to grow old with you and be 'one of those couples' who can still be in love after all those years.

I LOVE YOU RUSSELL KREE TROUTMAN

and I will be yours forever

~~Your wife Mrs. Erika Jayne Troutman~~

2014

Deeper Meanings

Today is Father's Day and for reasons it has been more emotional for me this year than in the past.  Many have fathers that have never been present in their lives.  Many have fathers that have been a part of nearly their daily lives.  My story is a bit different.

Part 1 of my story:  My step dad who raised me from around age 3 until I moved out was there for me until age 21.  At that time, him and my mom were divorced. Shortly after, he was no longer the present figure I once had.  There were no calls from him to me, only the opposite.  Finally I came to realize that his new life was not a part of mine.

It has been almost 13 years and I have seen only a hand full of times.  At some point I began to move on and although there are occasional times of wonder and sadness I have been able to forgive him.  Now many might say "what does he need to be forgiven for"?  Nothing particular.  Just a way for me to be at peace. Just forgiving him for the anger and sadness him leaving caused.

Part 2 of my story:  My father and mother divorced when I was around 2.  I don't recall as a young child when I got to see him (he was in the army) but I remember for sure around age 10 going to see him regularly during the summer for a couple weeks when he and my step mom lived in Barstow, CA.

I have always had a loving relationship with him.  I recall when I would be leaving home during the summer from being with him, I would just cry.  I would cry because I knew the next time I saw him it would be a year later.  I enjoyed so much the summers and those precious times I was able to form a relationship and know that he still loved me even though he was not a daily presence in my life.

I try to text or call him every couple weeks even if it is just a quick hello to see how they are doing.  They now live in Arkansas.  Often it is to make sure they are safe from the tornados!  We skype on occasion and I always make sure to spend the extra time on holidays.  Not sure why I do that as that is when I am the saddest I am not with him.

I long to be close to him in distance.  I long to have that time I never got as a child.  I long those hugs and just the simplicity of sitting next to him on the couch.  I miss those knuckle sandwiches and the sayings that now I have started to say.  I just miss him so much.

So today, I am saddened that I can't be with him to give him that hug and to show him how much I love him. Even posting a photo of him was too sad for me.

Hidden Emotion

Emotions in many ways can bring us to smiles, laughter, tears and sadness. How one deals with that emotion is what has been on my mind lately.

You see a smile, but is it really a smile or is it hiding someone's pain?  You see a laugh but perhaps it is a laugh hiding nervousness.

I have been trying to figure out lately how to be able to express myself more which in turn makes me more vulnerable.  I hate being vulnerable.  It can make you feel insecure, unneeded or unwanted.  It can open that essential can of worms that you aren't quite sure you want opened.

Everyone has personal turmoil and family issues.  I wish there was a place to always safely turn to that you knew people would not judge or think differently of you.  I wish there was always someone who would know exactly what I needed to do.  I know ultimately that my Heavenly Father knows how it will always end up.  I know He gave me my challenges for a reason.  

Recently I spoke with someone regarding how hard it is for me to open up regarding personal matters.  Not about my son or husband because I can talk about them all the time and I love it but about me.  I am not sure how to better adapt to being more open.

I have a hard time showing weakness because I always want to be strong.  I have a hard time expressing what is really on my mind because I don't want to feel rejected, ridiculed or regret my statements.

I continue to pray for guidance and look for the few sacred moments that I do begin to open just as flowers begin to bloom.