Periodically, I went back in to see mom and dad. At one point, I helped wash his head of vomit, swaddled him in the blanket and handed him to mom. I knew they needed that time. I knew they would remember holding him and the closeness they would feel, if not then, later.
The look of shock, devastation and utter disappointment was what I took away. I feel like we failed. I wonder what else we could have done, although I know medically there was nothing.
My sadness is from the heartbreak they must be feeling.
My anger comes from why!!
I am not saying by being LDS we don't take death as sadness, but it appears that we tend to think more into the eternal life of oneself and perhaps that takes away some of the visible sadness? I don't feel that. What is wrong with me, I wonder. I wonder why Heavenly Father would take this beautiful child away from 1st time parents. I wonder why He made this happen while I was on shift. I wonder why I couldn't speak "no lets keep going" even though I know it wouldn't have changed the outcome.
I am struggling to know and have faith that this is ok. I don't like this part of my job. I hate this part of my job. Having to see the pain of loved ones when we tell them there is nothing else we can do. Having to hear the screams. Having to wonder if there is something I missed (only bc I always put everything on myself) or if I should have recognized something that I didn't.
A friend whom I work with has told me: "We gave 100% and there is no regret in that. We have to hope this is a part of a bigger picture, something out of our hands. He would have died at home and at least his parents might not blame themselves and they can blame us. Perhaps that is what Heavenly Father needs. We just don't know Erika. It sucks for us because we witness life altering events and it's usually the heartache of the families that break us down. They make us think. We go home and hug our kids and appreciate our husbands. And we thank Heavenly Father for the gospel that gives us peace and perspective."
I try to take comfort in her words but I am still angry and still sad. I can't begin to talk to Russ because all I want to do it cry. He wants me to talk and I just don't want to. I feel bad about that but I sometimes think if I keep it inside it will just go away.
I am not sure what the days will bring as far as emotion, but I do know that my heart is softened and my heart breaks for the families of lost loved ones especially children. I wish there were words to say but there just isn't. Perhaps it is just the simple act of a hug, or making sure they are holding their loved ones hand while we are preparing to say goodbye. Perhaps there is a bigger picture and hopefully one day I will understand or see it.
Wow. Sorry to hear about this. Definitely the worse part of our job. Find peace in the fact you did everything you could to save this child. And your faith to help you heal and cope. Hoping the family has a strong support system to help them thru this difficult time♡
ReplyDeleteSomethings we understand in that moment, some in Heavenly Fathers time. Big hug to you..
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) The pain is always there, we just learn how to cope with it. You are a gifted and caring RN, person and mother. Do not hold it in, I know your husband he is strong let him share your pain and grief. If you need to talk, I have been there I get it. You and that family will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteReading this made me cry. For the parents and for you. You are a great nurse a compassionate loving person. That is why you question yourself and the purpose of this loss for this family. You are a mother that can feel the pain that type of loss may feel like. Be proud of you as a person, a mother and a nurse. Never lose that compassion and empathy. It makes us better people.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a false impression that lds don't have the visible grief. Having had a friend that lost her baby at 2 mo old, the sadness and grief is visible, though maybe because of knowing the eternal perspective the anger side is lessened. Nothing is wrong with you, there's no one way to process the grief and some roads to acceptance and understanding are longer than others. Perhaps you were placed there because your faith can withstand the despair. Prayers for you Erika!
ReplyDeleteIm sorry ericka...that is never easy...Gods purpose is bigger than our own and his plans are never for nothing.....it is through your faith in his plan and purpose that you will get through this! Otherwise the enemy wins.. let me know if you need a HUG
ReplyDeletethis makes me so sad for you. I could never do your job you are blessed to have this talent and be able to comfort others in it. I would lose it every second. I ache for parents that have lost a child too, its one of my biggest worries. We are allowed to express sadness no matter what religion we're apart of. Be strong and know you are where you belong doing what you need to be doing.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry Erika. We just don't know the answer to some things. Only the Lord knows all things. Just know you did your very best and that is all you can do. Thank the Lord for people like you. God Bless You.
ReplyDeleteIt's a process that needs to be gone through and I honestly think you are a better nurse because you have compassion and can empathize with your patients.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a big part of this life. And until you experience it, it's hard to relate to others going through it. It is so consuming it almost feels tangible. But grieving does not mean you lack faith, I think it just means you love deeply. I don't know if this article will help, but I hope it does:
http://segullah.org/daily-special/feeling-the-loss/
So, I read this post right after I put my sweet new baby to bed. Just as I was done reading I heard him cry and while holding him for a moment tried to reflect on this life changing event for both you and these young parents. I feel like The Lord puts us in places and points in time to decide whether we'll grow from things or just take it in on an earthly perspective. He put you in that moment because he knew you were able to zone in while doing everything you were trained to do to help this baby. That you were the perfect nurse to walk in that room and help clean that sweet infant for those parents to hold in their arms while they struggle with all of the whys. Just as you had strength though in those moments, if they look to god he to will give them strength to do the hard things. I guarantee that even as you struggle to understand why, as we all do at one point or another in our lives, you will eventually have a greater love for our savior and for the peace he can bring in trials and heartache if we only let him. You were in this moment for a reason and those sweet parents were blessed to have you there.
ReplyDeleteWe wouldn't be human if we didn't grieve. It would be devastating to see a child die, whether as a parent, sibling, nurse, doctor, etc. cry until it is all out.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for all involved. All I know is Heavenly Father wants and trusts you to be a nurse....to be there, to take care of people when in need. That is all you can do, everything else is in his hands. Ahhh....so so sad!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read that it was like déjà vu... We lost our daughter on the day of her first birthday & I can clearly remember those last moments we held her... & also all the love & support that we got from the staff at the hospital... I can say from experience that the way the nurses cared for us helped us to prepare ourselves mentally for what was to come... I've never wanted to pick someone to blame & I can say that even though nothing can replace her I have seen many blessings come out of it... I hope this can help you take some of the weight off your shoulders...
ReplyDeleteOn a even more positive note... I found out I was pregnant with Darien on the day of my daughters funeral.
I always believed everything happened for a reason & made up whatever could come to mind & the best one I could come up with is that god needed another angel & saved her from all the commotion that is going on down here
I thank God for nurses who show they have a heart as much as they have talent. I have grieved for many each time being told they are in a better place doesn't help me. I do know that Jesus wept with Mary and Martha knowing he was going to raise their brother from the grave soon. He knew how their hearts felt, their feeling of lost, and he wept with them. Grieving is necessary. I have no doubt you did all possible on your end and you went the extra mile by helping the parents and they will remember that gentleness forever. My little advice is to cry when the moment hits you knowing the world is less for the loss of a child from our world and even more knowing the loss he leaves his parents. We mourn not because they are in a good place, we mourn for the wonder of how happier this place would have been had they been allowed to stay.
ReplyDeleteErika, you are not the kind of person who can bottle these things up inside. Take Russ' advice & talk to him about it - even if you cry & cry & cry. That's why you are a couple. You are strong for him when he needs you and he wants to be strong for you when you need him & I'm just telling you honestly that you need to talk it out with someone. The advice & compassion you are receiving from your friends is good, but talking to Russ will be the best for you in this situation. There are 7 steps to grieving & anger is one of them. If you bottle these things up, simply that act will hurt you and you don't need that for you or your family. If you won't talk to Russ, then talk to the Bishop. He can give you some perspective & that will help. I still think though that talking to Russ is the best medicine. We'll be thinking of you as you go through this.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother who has buried my baby and still visits him almost 12 years later at his grave I want you to know that even though it was one of my most difficult and trying times, it strengthened me more than any other single event in my life. It is women like you who gave me great peace knowing we did everything we could before taking my son off life support. You are amazing. Chin up. Sometimes it takes a little while before we can see the whole plan come together for us.
ReplyDeleteyou are grieving with the loss. This is normal. As a mother that had to hold two infants that were taken away too soon and as a medical professional, I have had the experience. At first, I blamed everybody and believed that I could have done something better to keep my children alive. Years later, I have come to understand that the devastating loss was no fault of anyone human. It was a long and painful ordeal and I still feel the loss, but the pain is not as acute. You are a very talented nurse and a loving human being. The family will eventually remember your consideration in allowing them to hold their baby. I remembered that, once I was able to get to the acceptance part of my grieving. I am sorry for your loss and pray for the family.
ReplyDeleteYou have an extremely hard job and it takes a special kind of person to do what you do and I give you a lot of credit for being able to do the job that you do. Unfortunately some mysteries are gonna be in life and we are not going to understand why but then it wouldn't be called life. I know though you did everything you could have done. And there is nothing wrong with how you feel, everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way. Just give it some time Erika and you will get through it, your a strong girl! My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family this happened to. P.s...... You should try and talk to Russ it may help to just to let it all out.
ReplyDeleteYour human......that being said I wouldn't think that you were if you didn't react.
ReplyDeleteJust try to remember that you were put here for a purpose. Your a great person an to go through things makes us who we are. Hope you get through this with a confident mind and a positive outlook.
It's ok to be sad and angry. But that baby wins. It is in heaven with the father now. It doesn't have to spend a life here in this sin sick world. If the parents could only see that baby in the arms of the savior they would be happy. Ms Lynn and Brother Steven Bell lost 2 children 1
ReplyDeleteIt is somthing stuck to you for life... my ex sister inlaw lost her first born son @4 months old..(neils brother nolans baby) the babys sitter fell asleep and suffacated the lil guy.. the hardest part was watchn and listen to my friend scream for weeks in pain.. it was horrible and with me forever:(..
ReplyDeletehold your family close and be thankful for them. Be thankful for your skills and the compassion you have been give. You were places at that shift for a reason and you may never know why.
ReplyDeleteCry and grieve, learn and grow. Talk to your family.
We can not begin to understand why a life is taken when it is. Nor can we know how that loss plays into our finding meaning and purpose in tomorrow. Every person will experience the sensation of loss differently the important piece is in experiencing it - stay open to finding meaning in the confusion and sadness, comfort in your tears and hope through your faith. Be gentle with your self sister! xoxo
ReplyDeleteErika....There was a Valiant effort made to save this sweet little soul. The Heavens needed that sweet little babe. Time will help you to heal. Doing what you do daily....try to clear this in your mind and get on to the successes you have daily. God is Good.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the good you are doing. Lots of Love to you "Rocco"
Death is so hard. Especially the death of a baby. I lost my 4 month old baby boy to SIDS on a Christmas morning while we slept as we were visiting family out of town years ago. That was the hardest thing to cope with. I believe anyone who experiences a death of a child rather it is their child or someone else's child they are truly affected by the lost. For me it felt as if my heart had been torn out of my body. It was like I couldn't breath. As much as I wanted to be angry with Heavenly Father I could not be. For I knew that my baby boy was an angel who was sent here to experience life and change my life if only for a moment. My daughter was very young and did not understand what was going on and she needed me to be able to function. I got the strength I needed from my daughter to function during my time of grief. So I think it's ok to be sad and angry if you want, but also remember that, that tiny spirits mission is over and he/she came to change the lives of those that he/she touched. Just remember God only gives us as much as we can handle. Pray and let Heavenly Father ease things. And know it's ok to be sad or angry. It's ok.
ReplyDeleteHi Erika. My name is Tracey. I am Liam's mother. The perfect precious baby boy this blog was in reference to. I private messaged you on Facebook, Its in your "Other" folder in your messages because we aren't "Friends" on FB. I hope my message brings you some peace, but mostly I wanted to thank you.
ReplyDelete