PONDERING

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to have a "complete" family. A family who got along with one another, a family who expressed their love for each other, a family who didn't hold grudges, a family who go toether on the holidays and it was so amazing to be around ALL of them. Will I ever get that family? I guess all I can do is wish. Wishes seem so far fetched sometimes.

I'm wondering if my father will call. He said he would but I haven't heard from him. He said it would be different and things would change. Not yet. I know that I tried and I tried and I called and I went over....nothing in return. Guess maybe I shouldn't have feelings. If I didn't I wouldn't be upset.

I should stop wondering why I wouldn't have been wanted at my own uncle's memorial. If you have never felt not wanted, that was the day. Feeling as though you aren't good enough, not worthy enough, not loved. And all I did was get upset that I wasn't included in a family portrait. Only the "real" kids were. But I guess I don't have the right to feel that way either.

Guess I'll stop feeling.