The Story of My Life for 5 Years- Part I

This is going to be a very honest, real, sad and beautiful story of love and how pure it can be.

About 5 years ago I received a private message on facebook from an old family friend.  In this message I was basically told to look into a guy named Mark and that the man I knew my entire life as my Dad was not my Dad at all.

When I first received this information, I reached out to several family members and asked questions because I was also told that this wasn't anything that was a secret within the family only to me.  The questions I asked only lead to more questions, concerns and doubts and pretty soon I couldn't bare to deal with it.  I shoved it down, cried often and began to be reluctant in any relationships I formed.  It was always a possibility in my mind that they would betray me, lie to me and be deceitful.

All these years later I can share this story because I was able to finally, after these heartbreaking years, many sleepless nights, and anger have the conversation I long dreaded with my Dad.  As we sat in the backyard enjoying our last night together from his visit, I felt like I had to get the burden of the weight I had carried for so long lightened.  Knowing all well that it would not be lifted completely.

I began by sharing that I received this message and asked if he had ever been told or wondered himself about me being his biological child.  He had told me that there was a time when someone mentioned it to him but he thought they were just trying to start rumors and cause problems.  We continued on as tears streamed down my face, then his, and discussed the details of timeline, marital affairs and the ultimate split from my mom.

At one point we just stood up and cried as we hugged one another in the most gentle and loving embrace I have ever had from him.  We then sat by one another, holding hands, gently showing affection and love for the other with sometimes silence and sometimes more tears.

There we discussions about how my mom asked him to give up my older sister and I for adoption to my step-dad and he refused.  I am so thankful for his decision since the man who raised me for almost all my childhood has nothing to do with me for the last 10 years.  I guess I can't be surprised when abandonment issues arise or sadness overcomes happiness.

As I have wondered for these years if I was truly his, he lovingly made a reference "you have my hair".  I can't say I haven't said the same thing before to myself but not knowing what the other guy looks like I can't validate.  I try to compare blood types but him having the most common doesn't help either.  I look like no one in my family while my older sister looks identical to them.  How could I not wonder?  He then asked me "do you want to do a paternity test" and then "but will that get you the answers you need".  Exactly what I have been asking myself, again, for years.

Will that test give me?  Will it be the answer I would only hope it is that he indeed is my father?  Or will it be the crushing reality I am not ready to face in certainty.  Yes, I wonder where I might come from and who this other person is.  I wonder if I get any of my attributes from him and I wonder if he even knew I was his if that is the case.  Did he not care if he did know?  Did my mom tell him the possibility?

What I do know is that no matter how I move forward and what I told my Dad is that it changes nothing.  He will always be my Dad and always be the one I refer to as Dad.

After some reflection I also remember some important memories of childhood.  I vividly recall every summer going to Barstow where he was stationed and spending time with him and Ange, my step-mom.  I remember when I would get dropped off I would be so excited to see them.  On the flip side I would cry the entire way home as soon as we drove away.  Why when I only saw him in the summers did leaving him hurt so much?  Maybe all along it was bringing me to understand my emotions at this very moment.

That is doesn't matter who's DNA you have.  It doesn't matter who raises you.  It matters who SHOWS you the love you have always longed for that you rarely saw as a child.  It matters who tells you they love you and has never done anything to have you doubt their intentions or love.

I am not saying my Dad is a perfect man but what I do know is that his unconditional love is perfect enough for me.

May Was A Busy Month

May 1st I started school again. In sight is a Masters degree but it will take some time.  Definitely not trying to overwhelm myself with anything at this point.

May I was recognized for Nurse In Excellence award for Mountain View Hospital. A true honor.

May was also 2 months in a row I had visiting teachers over! Chi-ching! It has been a long time and I made my point that if they could not be consistent, it was ok but if they could not be then just don't come.  I had been wondering if during my time of being released if I had my visiting teachers to talk to if it would have helped but since I didn't have any I couldn't.

May 8th we traveled to Payson UT to be a part of the Payson temple open house.  It was so beautiful and for us to be there as an entire family was even more special.  Realizing that there are not too many temples close enough to travel to for open houses and reality of us being together as a family probably won't happen until Damian gets his endowments. WOW- don't even want to think about that happening right now.

May was also Mother's Day.  Russ and Damian always find a special way to let me know I am loved. Candy bouquet and silly cards will do the trick.

May also was a tuning point for my hair. Lightened it again and the blonde is covering these grey hairs alot easier! So happy about that. No spectacular picture to post.

May also had a few downs.  My boss' wife took her life and it was hard on us at work. To see such a good man go through what he is going through is beyond words.  All we can do is support him and fund raise for him and his kids. We were able to raise over $18,000 in a go fund me account and another $1300 from a bake sale.  What a powerful thing to see everyone come together in times of need.

With all things in life, we keep on moving forward. 

Finding my Place

Man, today was amazing!  What a great sacrament talk I had the privilege of listening to.  You can truly see and feel when someone has spent many hours prayerfully preparing the talk and hoping it reaches someone.  It has been a few weeks since my new calling and I find myself trying to find my place.  I have went into relief society twice and then left right before it started.  It just felt awkward. Today, I made it all the way thru!  I know for many that is no accomplishment, but it was for me.  I also made it to gospel doctrine today. I know my Heavenly Father needed me to be there.  What a great lesson it was.  We talked about the good samaritan and the need for us all to live our lives like Christ.  Discussing who just are our neighbors?  What a topic to hear.  Wiping the tears away, all I felt was the love my Heavenly Father has shown to me the last few months and it makes me ever grateful and willing to live my life to make Him proud.  

Some are born to lend a hand, someone said today, while others have to learn how to do that.  I found that quite helpful.  I think so many times I have wondered why others don't just do what we all should be doing and what I find myself doing each day.  I have also been told by many that 'just some people aren't like that.'  Never did I realize that maybe they just don't know how.

I received two separate letters this week from ladies at church.  Oddly enough, both mentioned that I wasn't approachable.  I still am learning and growing and finding ways to let others in.  It isn't easy for me.  I have a sense of fear letting too many people in and get close to me.  I too have to do my part and let them in.  

Some food for thought.  If you know or see someone in need, physically or emotionally, put that hand out.  Be brave and just talk with them.  Maybe that is all they need is to talk.  You might not have all the answers and that is ok.  They won't expect you to.  They just need to know someone cares.  And on the other hand, if you are the one who needs the help; let them in, accept their willingness to be there for you and let the walls down.  Not everything will be easy but in the end, it will be worth it.

Sandwich for a Friend in Need

Sometimes I am amazed with Damian and the kindness in his heart.  I shouldn't be surprised since we have done all we can to instill in him good values and morals, but just sometimes he says things that I am in awe of.

We were just discussing making sure he was taking some extra snacks so he can fuel up before football practice.  I mention a couple items I think would be fitting.  He then replies, "if I can go without a sandwich at lunch, I think I will be ok until I get home."  I pause and ask what he means. He then proceeds to tell me that he gives his sandwich to a kid at school every day.  I ask why (of course making sure it isn't a bullying issue), and he replies "he doesn't have any lunch every day, so I just give him my sandwich."

Any one who knows my kid, knows he can eat!  For him to willingly give his sandwich every day melts my heart.  I know that he doesn't really see the deeper meaning but  I am so proud of the man he is becoming and the humility and kindness he shows to others.  It reminds me that no matter what encounters we have in our lives, that perhaps we can be that good samaritan in someone else's life.

A New Chapter

A new chapter has begun.  I was called to serve as personal progress leader in young women's.  I am a little anxious since I have no idea what I am doing but I am also very excited to be a part of this special portion in the young women's lives.

Young women's was a huge part of my life.  I remember striving to earn all my medallions and felt so great about the accomplishment.  Young women's leaders in my life played a huge role.  There were so many times when they were all I could turn to.  They always had an open door for me and helped me through some trials of being a teen.

I have thought of my Savior often before I accepted the calling but felt reassurance when I know that I am one of my Heavenly Father's daughters and that He wants nothing but the most for each of us.

I hope I have the opportunity to touch just one of these young women's lives as mine touched me.

Feeling My Savior's Love

I am so thankful for my Savior and the love He gives to me.  As I sat in the C room yesterday, I found myself sitting in the same seat I have been for the last few months.  I sat on the couch directly across from the picture of Him.  I love being able to look at Him straight on.

Yesterday was different for some reason.  I sat, looked up at Him, and began to think about the picture.  I began to sob each moment I looked at Him.  I imagine His arms reaching out and telling each of us "I am with thee."  In our darkest moments and our deepest needs we should remember those words.

I then really focused on His hands.  The hands and wrists that were pierced for me.  The pain He suffered for me.  The life He lead for me.  What on earth do I have to complain about when He has already felt everything I am feeling.  Now, I know first hand that is way easier said then done.  We feel completely alone when in reality He is just wanting us to be able to make the choices and decisions He already knows we are going to make.  We were given agency for a reason and it is the plan of our Heavenly Father that we are able to make choices in time of need regardless of reassurance.

I felt a great impression as I looked at Him that he was telling me "Do not give up. Do not lose your way.  Do not lose all that you have worked for."  When the reassurance had faltered, it was right there in front of me.

I have learned a great deal about my faith the last little while.  I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior want me to have faith in all I do.  Having faith that He has a plan for us, will only empower us and strengthen our testimonies in the things we are looking for.  

Going Under the Knife

Other than having ear tubes at 6 months old which Damian has no recollection, this would be his first time going under the knife at a point where he would be able to have some memories from it.

Last summer he hurt his shoulder in football practice.  Since it didn't require a hospital visit, I blew it off to general pain that he chose to exaggerate the pain.  What was an occasional complaint of it still hurting became an every day pain that motrin and tylenol were not helping.  I finally took in him to the dr the end of December.

He was ordered for xrays and an orthopedic referral.  Xrays were negative and orthopedic ordered an MRI.  MRI results showed a bankart tear.  Yep, biggest loser mom award!

After some consulting and weighing the options we chose to get it fixed with surgery so it would be less of an issue when he plays football again this year.

Damian was actually excited for the surgery just to be out of pain.

Day one of surgery, he received a nerve block so he had dead fish arm.  He was fascinated by it but also very confused because he couldn't move any part of it.

Day two, recovery day one, his nerve block wore off and he finally had to take some pain medicine. He was able to continue to be comfortable and get through the day.

He has made progress and is doing his exercises to gain mobility again.  Ice is our new friend and he comes out of the sling when we are home since there is little danger of injuring it again.

We are prepping him to go back to school Monday.  Just hoping he doesn't get ran in to too much.  I hope he can get through the day without too much pain.  He is a trooper!

I must say it has been enjoyable being able to be a 'mom' to him in need.  Brushing the hair, helping take off shirts.  I will take it wherever I can get it these days.  Tucking him in bed and helping prop his shoulder up is just another little way to enjoy the moments of being needed.

We are thankful for all the prayers for him to be well.