My Dearest Damian

I know this is no surprise to you or anyone who knows us so bare with my overly obsessed letter to you. Damian, I want you to know how proud I am of you. 

I am so proud of the young man you are and who you are becoming. I am proud of the great decisions you have made in your life so far. I am proud of the kindness and gentleness you hold. I am so proud of your willingness to adapt and also take with ease many changes that take place. 

I love your sarcastic humor and the silliness you are so full of. I love the times when we just get to lounge and watch our shows together. I love the times when I get to see you thrive in doing what you love. I love seeing you explore youtube for how to make different ties. 

There is so much to be thankful for when I think of you. I am thankful that your dad and I have been blessed with this ONE amazing son who without a doubt is the light of our lives. I am thankful that you have blessed my life in ways you can not yet understand until you are a father. 

I would encourage you to continue to make good choices and understand the consequences for wrong ones. I encourage you to continue to grow closer to your Heavenly Father in prayer, relying on Him for guidance you might feel not sure about asking us. Damian, begin to ponder what your future holds. How will you continue your education? How will you prepare for a mission both physically and spiritually? How will you prepare to choose a eternal companion? I know some of these come early at age 14 but as you begin to think of these things, you will find yourself making choices that will reflect the differences than that of some other friends. 

I know you will never doubt my love for you. I have always and will always show my love, no matter how annoying it can be and no matter how many tackles it takes to get a kiss. I will be here for you at every turn in life you make. I will support you when you fall and I will praise you when you succeed. There is no end to forgiveness as a mother. 

I know with every part of me that you were sent here to us to make us better people. In my heart Heavenly Father created you! You are my world and I am so lucky to be called your mom! 

Happy 14th birthday Damian Payne Troutman~~

Love,

Mom

Different Types Of Friends

There will always be different types of friends in your life and I have begun to see how amazing that can be.

I have friends who are great professionally and always there to help when I need.  They support you, trust you and ultimately you can discuss anything work related and they seem to understand all the emotions from being an ER nurse.

I have long time friends who I can tell anything and everything without fear of being judged and also knowing they will always be there for me.  We may not necessarily hang out too often but weekly talks or encounters still continue our dear friendship.

I have spiritual friends.  These tend to be the ones I go to and talk about the gospel, discuss questions and validate spiritual meanings of events in our lives.  They can make you feel like everything you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing and together both testimonies grow stronger with one another.

There are few people who fall into each category and that is ok.  I am content with that.  I always know who to call about what subject and know I will get what I need at that exact time.

There will always be others whom you just relate to acquaintances.  Those you talk to, maybe even often, but have no specific connection to.  These people are great to know, great to talk to and great to hang out with.  These are the relationships we choose to either keep as such or choose to strengthen and grow into one of the others.

I am blessed to have some friends in each category and I am confident in those relationships.  I feel like everyone in my life has been placed for a specific reason and I am ever grateful for the memories I make with each of them. 

My One True Love

 Today my sweet love we celebrate 14 years happily married.  Today we remember that special day in our lives when we would take and make vows to love one another, forgive one another and be there for one another always.

I want you to know how much I love you!  You are always the one who is there for me regardless of anything that may be going on.  You are the one who has come to know me deeper than anyone ever has.  You are the one who has forgiven me for my bad days and faults and then praised me for my good days and strengths.

Together we have overcome some trials.  We have seen thru the shallowness that can be seen in other relationships.  We have grown together.  We have seen the true love that can actually exist and the love that forms when least expected.

I love how you still look at me.  I love how you still want to kiss me and hold my hand.  I love how you think of me at every sweet gesture.  You remember things months later that I have said I desired.

14 years seems like such a great accomplishment but when it comes so easy it seems just like yesterday.

In this short time we have made so many great things happen in our lives.  Sure there a few we wished we could have done differently or done at a different time.  There have been many desires to have another child but have not had that blessing but yet marvel in the great love we have for Damian.

Thru it all, we have cried together, laughed together and loved together.  We hope to show what true love is and make sure Damian always seems how we can love each other.

Yes, we are very different.  We have different ways of parenting and we have different interests.  But just because we are different doesn't make us incompatible.  It makes us appreciate the difference and then absolutely love the similarities.

Some of the simple and funny things I love about you:  when I say to get 'mustard' and you bring home every possibility of mustard so you can't be wrong.  When I have a drink waiting for me when I wake up after a long night of work.  When you do simple things like fill my car with gas or get it washed.  Everything you do is really for me and that makes me proud to have you as my husband.  Other girls should be so lucky to have someone just like you!

You bring me up when I am down.  You hold me when I need to cry.  You support me in all that I do and then never question my responsibilities as a mother, supporter and my calling in church.

Russ, you are my one true love.  My soulmate.  My forever.  My eternity.  I will love you forever.  I can't wait to grow old with you and be 'one of those couples' who can still be in love after all those years.

I LOVE YOU RUSSELL KREE TROUTMAN

and I will be yours forever

~~Your wife Mrs. Erika Jayne Troutman~~

2014

Deeper Meanings

Today is Father's Day and for reasons it has been more emotional for me this year than in the past.  Many have fathers that have never been present in their lives.  Many have fathers that have been a part of nearly their daily lives.  My story is a bit different.

Part 1 of my story:  My step dad who raised me from around age 3 until I moved out was there for me until age 21.  At that time, him and my mom were divorced. Shortly after, he was no longer the present figure I once had.  There were no calls from him to me, only the opposite.  Finally I came to realize that his new life was not a part of mine.

It has been almost 13 years and I have seen only a hand full of times.  At some point I began to move on and although there are occasional times of wonder and sadness I have been able to forgive him.  Now many might say "what does he need to be forgiven for"?  Nothing particular.  Just a way for me to be at peace. Just forgiving him for the anger and sadness him leaving caused.

Part 2 of my story:  My father and mother divorced when I was around 2.  I don't recall as a young child when I got to see him (he was in the army) but I remember for sure around age 10 going to see him regularly during the summer for a couple weeks when he and my step mom lived in Barstow, CA.

I have always had a loving relationship with him.  I recall when I would be leaving home during the summer from being with him, I would just cry.  I would cry because I knew the next time I saw him it would be a year later.  I enjoyed so much the summers and those precious times I was able to form a relationship and know that he still loved me even though he was not a daily presence in my life.

I try to text or call him every couple weeks even if it is just a quick hello to see how they are doing.  They now live in Arkansas.  Often it is to make sure they are safe from the tornados!  We skype on occasion and I always make sure to spend the extra time on holidays.  Not sure why I do that as that is when I am the saddest I am not with him.

I long to be close to him in distance.  I long to have that time I never got as a child.  I long those hugs and just the simplicity of sitting next to him on the couch.  I miss those knuckle sandwiches and the sayings that now I have started to say.  I just miss him so much.

So today, I am saddened that I can't be with him to give him that hug and to show him how much I love him. Even posting a photo of him was too sad for me.

Hidden Emotion

Emotions in many ways can bring us to smiles, laughter, tears and sadness. How one deals with that emotion is what has been on my mind lately.

You see a smile, but is it really a smile or is it hiding someone's pain?  You see a laugh but perhaps it is a laugh hiding nervousness.

I have been trying to figure out lately how to be able to express myself more which in turn makes me more vulnerable.  I hate being vulnerable.  It can make you feel insecure, unneeded or unwanted.  It can open that essential can of worms that you aren't quite sure you want opened.

Everyone has personal turmoil and family issues.  I wish there was a place to always safely turn to that you knew people would not judge or think differently of you.  I wish there was always someone who would know exactly what I needed to do.  I know ultimately that my Heavenly Father knows how it will always end up.  I know He gave me my challenges for a reason.  

Recently I spoke with someone regarding how hard it is for me to open up regarding personal matters.  Not about my son or husband because I can talk about them all the time and I love it but about me.  I am not sure how to better adapt to being more open.

I have a hard time showing weakness because I always want to be strong.  I have a hard time expressing what is really on my mind because I don't want to feel rejected, ridiculed or regret my statements.

I continue to pray for guidance and look for the few sacred moments that I do begin to open just as flowers begin to bloom. 

 

Anger and Sadness ~~ Death of a Child

The last couple days I have been unsure how to express my feelings.  Two nights ago at work we lost an infant.  Like most, during the event we are all focused, determined and dedicated to the job we do.  I remember not having "emotion" during.  It was after he was pronounced, cleaned our items from bed and left the room that I lost it.  Ran to a bathroom to get it out.  I thought that would be it.  A good cry and I would get over it.

Periodically, I went back in to see mom and dad. At one point, I helped wash his head of vomit, swaddled him in the blanket and handed him to mom.  I knew they needed that time.  I knew they would remember holding him and the closeness they would feel, if not then, later.

The look of shock, devastation and utter disappointment was what I took away.  I feel like we failed.  I wonder what else we could have done, although I know medically there was nothing.

My sadness is from the heartbreak they must be feeling.

My anger comes from why!!

I am not saying by being LDS we don't take death as sadness, but it appears that we tend to think more into the eternal life of oneself and perhaps that takes away some of the visible sadness?  I don't feel that.  What is wrong with me, I wonder.  I wonder why Heavenly Father would take this beautiful child away from 1st time parents.  I wonder why He made this happen while I was on shift.  I wonder why I couldn't speak "no lets keep going" even though I know it wouldn't have changed the outcome. 

I am struggling to know and have faith that this is ok.  I don't like this part of my job.  I hate this part of my job.  Having to see the pain of loved ones when we tell them there is nothing else we can do.  Having to hear the screams.  Having to wonder if there is something I missed (only bc I always put everything on myself) or if I should have recognized something that I didn't.

A friend whom I work with has told me:  "We gave 100% and there is no regret in that.  We have to hope this is a part of a bigger picture, something out of our hands.  He would have died at home and at least his parents might not blame themselves and they can blame us.  Perhaps that is what Heavenly Father needs. We just don't know Erika.  It sucks for us because we witness life altering events and it's usually the heartache of the families that break us down. They make us think. We go home and hug our kids and appreciate our husbands. And we thank Heavenly Father for the gospel that gives us peace and perspective."

I try to take comfort in her words but I am still angry and still sad.  I can't begin to talk to Russ because all I want to do it cry.  He wants me to talk and I just don't want to.  I feel bad about that but I sometimes think if I keep it inside it will just go away.  

I am not sure what the days will bring as far as emotion, but I do know that my heart is softened and my heart breaks for the families of lost loved ones especially children.  I wish there were words to say but there just isn't.  Perhaps it is just the simple act of a hug, or making sure they are holding their loved ones hand while we are preparing to say goodbye.  Perhaps there is a bigger picture and hopefully one day I will understand or see it.  

Being A Mom

I wanted to express the gratitude I have of being a mother.  Perhaps I take it more to heart as I am lucky to even be a mom.  I say to many of my friends "imagine all the love you have for each of your children and wrap that all into one child".

Being a mom is the greatest blessing of my life.  My life would be completely different without Damian. Pretty much every decision revolves around being a mom.  The places you go visit, the places you go eat, the things you do for fun, and the movies you watch.  

Watching Damian grow up right before my eyes is filled with happiness and sadness.  I reflect on the days as a small infant and child when he needed me for everything and was clinging to me for safety.  Now he is independent and rarely needs me to help with anything and I have to fight for affection.  I also look forward to the day when he comes home with his own family and kisses me on the cheek.

Being a mom shows you how to love, forgive, give unselfishly and appreciate how they also show the same qualities.  Regardless of the struggles of having a teenager, I know that he loves me!  I love the cuddles while watching tv. I love the cooking you now do for me. I love your sweet smile. I love your sarcasm.  I love your personality and quarkiness. I love your honesty and compassion.  I love your eagerness to learn.  I love your simple pleasures.

I love everything about you and I love being your mom.  Being your mom is my dream and reality.  Being your mom is my life and my everything!