Blessings and then Disadvantages

So I was asked to speak in stake conference 2 weeks ago on 'the blessings that come from being active in the church'. When I was given the topic it seemed natural to list all the things that we have been so blessed with since returning to the church.  I even previously at the beginning of the year had listed out all the things that had taken place in our lives:

September 2012- Returned to church after 14 years

January 2013- Damian was baptized and confirmed

February 2013- Russ called into cubscouts

March 2013- Russ and I receive our patriarchal blessings and Russ received his Melchizedek priesthood

April 2013- I was called to 1st counselor in primary presidency

May 2013- Damian performs baptisms for the dead for the 1st time

June 2013- I was called to primary president and Russ called for Sunday school presidency

July 2013- Temple prep classes begin

August 2013- Damian begins his eagle project 

September 2013- Russ and I receive our temple endowments and Damian completed his eagle project

October 2013- We are sealed in the temple as a family

November 2013- Damian called into Deacons presidency

The list would make many say "how amazing" and to them I say YES!

Now, on the flip side.  Tonight a conversation about the many frustrations and uncertainty that still is difficult after being inactive for so long.  We as a family as still trying to figure out how to live each day to the fullest in the gospel.  Now, for some this may come across incorrectly and I want to just get across my feelings so bare with me.

There are times when we are conflicted with many things that are clearly normal for many families within the church.  There are things that I gather people have been doing for years and perhaps it is just a growing process.  We are still trying to work through these issues.

With life so busy, when do all families find time daily to do scripture study?  Does everyone have regular 9-5 jobs and do you set a specific time each and every day?  Does life and days ever get too busy that you forget or even a week?  We struggle with this.  With my sleeping and work schedule it is almost impossible 4 days a week to find time together to do this.  Not doing it as a family makes us struggle individually.  

Most families get to tuck their kids in bed and say bedtime prayers.  I leave at 6pm for work and is it weird to say bedtime prayers then?  Again, things get busy, I run late and I rush out many times without praying with my family.  Regardless of the many individual prayers we have it doesn't take place of those special family prayers.

Do you really do FHE every single week?  I guess my struggle is that again with my work schedule Mondays are not possible.  We spend my off days together doing activities or doing service as a family but do we sit down and have a song and scripture before hand, no.  We do have treats as a family but somehow I don't think that is mandated for FHE just something we all do most times.

The talks given in sacrament or stake conference or even just relief society or priesthood when someone says "we all know the story (or scripture)"....NO, we don't all know.  Some of us have been inactive for 14 years and may need a refresher.  Why does everyone assume we all know what story in the scripture you are talking about?  Remember that there are new members, investigators and reactive people in attendance. This part alone has made Russ and I both feel completely out of place at times.  Most often, we just look at each other and shrug our shoulders.  Then a feeling of inadequacy lingers.

Russ and I indulge ourselves in service in a way to hope to receive the blessings we missed out on all these years but then struggle when at times there are very little people seem to show the same effort in service. Let's be honest, not all service is the most pleasant but the feelings that come afterward are the reward. Taking time away from a family activity isn't the most ideal but on the flipside if we show our children that the times we can spend together can just be that of doing service it still is time.

Is every calling a "Sunday calling"?  Our callings should be every day.  Everyday we should look to do what we can in our areas.  We should look for opportunities to grow and reach out to others.  I personally spend at least an hour a day just thinking about my calling and the things I can do better.  Not to mention the hours upon hours I actually put into my calling each week.  Our callings bring us blessings and who doesn't want more blessings?  Whether it is visiting teaching, home teaching or any other additional calling.  Be the best you can be!

Perhaps they should have a class for all the reactivations (although sometimes I think we feel like we are the only ones).  A place where we can discuss our struggles and get questions answers.  Or perhaps I just blog about it! 

Love ya'll. I sincerely hope this doesn't come across abrasive but as you all know I open my heart in my blogs and this is just another one for me to look back in years time and see my growth from then to now.

Joyous Occasion

What an amazing opportunity to witness someone being baptized.  I had the privilege to be at a friend's sons baptism tonight.  There were several children being baptized but it was different with his.  Once he began to say the baptismal ordinance, the spirit came rushing in.  He started to cry as he spoke and you could feel how proud he was at that moment.  Same during the confirmation.  His words were quiet but yet I imagine so memorable to him and his wife.

I think of often as I attend any baptism how proud our Heavenly Father is that one more child of His has chosen to take the first step in returning to Him.  I think of Him smiling and jumping for joy.  Well not sure if He would be jumping but surely be happy!

I remember most especially on the day Damian was baptized how special the actual baptism was but I remember more how I felt as he was confirmed.  My heart burst and I wept in joy.  If I, as his mom was that happy, imagine our Heavenly Father.

Just an encouragement to talk with your children about baptism regardless of age.  Attend baptisms when time permits and do temple baptisms.  So many ways to continue to feel that special spirit that is ever present on someone's day.

My Dear Friend Emilee

Many of us have dear friends. I have a handful but I have wanted to write this entry for a very long time. I want to share my story with you about meeting my dear friend Emilee.

In October 2011 when I first met her, I honestly had no idea or even thought she would be in my life as she is now.

I think it was close to January 2012 when I was walking up the driveway to work and Emilee was walking behind me. She looked in my direction and she asked "Erika, are you LDS?" I honestly hesitated at first but replied "Yes, but I am not active."

How that would be the start of my life changing and an amazing friendship forming.

Periodically we would find ourselves working side by side and randomly conversation would come up (well I thought randomly but maybe there was always a motive behind it on her part). We would talk about girls camp and how much fun and what a big part of our memory it was. Eventually the topics would get deeper and the question of why I became inactive and have not returned.

The remainder of my reactivation story has already been told (Responsibility to Rescue) so I won't bore you with it again.....

I am not sure a day goes by where Emilee and I don't discuss the latest with primary, kids' baptisms, tearful sacrament talks or testimonies or just the power of the spirit and how it effects our lives on a daily basis.

Now to you Emilee,

It is a true and constant reminder of how important it is to have friends in the gospel. Not to just share similar beliefs but to REALLY be able to talk in depth about feelings and having someone there to just listen to the experiences we encounter.

A true testament that Heavenly Father places people in our lives when we need them the most.

You have always been able to give me insight when times have been rough and struggles have been abundant. You always gives me different view points when times I can be blinded. You constantly support me, listen to me and reassure me.

I love our conversations that turn into tears streaming because there is nothing else that can happen when something is so powerful.

I am not embarrassed of freely talking about our experiences in front of others and we always secretly hope that one day someone else will feel the same way.

I admire your differences and how you stand apart from the rest. Not just with your beauty but for just being you!

I am thankful for the joy you, Ryan and the boys have been to our lives. I am ever grateful for having you witness our family be sealed together for all eternity. That day was amazing in many ways but for me it was having you there to be a part of essentially the reason we were there in the first place.

Without you constantly in my ear and taking time to make me realize what I was missing without the gospel active in my life we would have not been there on that day. Now yes, it is entirely possible we would have reached that day one day but we all know it would have not been then.

My life has ever been changed because of your friendship and desire. Heavenly Father has shown me in this life that there is always a way back to Him. He always has a plan for us when we are not aware. He knows exactly what we need to hear and when we need to hear it.

I pray that you will know how much you have touched my life. I can say it but I wish you knew it without a doubt.

My eternal gratitude,
Erika

Life As An ER Nurse - All The Good & Bad

I sometimes think about the career I have chosen as a nurse and think about all the differences that might be between and ER nurse and everyone else.  Some are silly and some are from the heart but this is what I have come up with.

An ER nurse has a sick sense of humor.  We google body images that make us fascinated; the way they can twist and turn, piece and poke are beyond our imagination.  We know that a tube can pretty much enter all areas of the body.

We have to "invest" in good shoes which means it could be up to $120 a pair but when you are on your feet for 13 hours, it is a mandatory item.

We always have to find a way to make our boring scrubs a little more exciting.  Funky socks, cool shoes, hair accessories or miniature crowns.

Restraints in the ED are a common item. It means you are either having some aggression issues with staff, you are altered and trying to climb out of bed, or you are intubated and we wish you to stay that way.

Yes, ER nurses get abused every day.  We get cursed at for more pain medication, we get screamed at for the wait although this is rarely our fault.  We have gotten physically assaulted, verbally threatened and we still continue to come back the next day.

You probably are not our first patient, but you may be our first patient that requires an uncommon procedure.  We diligently seek experience from those around us so we can learn more and more each time we do something unfamiliar.

Each of us has bad days with iv's.  We can get someone in the finger with a baby needle but we can't get a huge juicy vein.  It just happens.

We get frustrated when you come in with a fever for an hour but don't take anything at home to see if it will go away.  We don't understand why people come in with colds and want to get sicker.  It is the ER where germs are ever present.

We have a million and one medications to learn and do not know them by color or size.  We always would recommend you carry a list in your wallet or purse with names, dosages and directions so we can treat you more effectively.

When you see a patient who came after you go back before you it means they are a little more sick than you so keep in mind if that were your mom or dad you would want them treated first based on severity.

We take care on average 4 patients plus a psych patient.  You may have no idea what we are dealing with in the next room.  It may be an irate patient that is medication seeking and our patience may be thinned when we walk in your room.  It may be a dying patient with loved ones waiting for that moment to come and we have remnants of tears as we enter your room to see if you need anything.

Although as many of us may say at times "I am over it", we still come back the next night because we love our job, we love what we do and we love the care we are able to give.

We may not understand exactly what you are going thru but we have empathy and we try to give the same compassionate care to you and the next and the next after that.  We each have the desire to help, care and get you feeling better.

We love the support of other nurses around us when it seems like no one else can understand what we go thru.  We internalize alot of our feelings and don't talk about sad nights more often then not.  We feel alone when we are internalizing what we could have possibly done differently to save someone, when in reality we know that when it is your time there is nothing we can do.

We hate pediatric codes and do not desire to ever see them, but when we do, you can hear a pin drop and it seems like there is more focus and determination to do everything possible for the sweet and innocence that exists within them.

We are enraged when we deal with CPS for someone who has chosen to deal with their anger the wrong way.  When we call CPS it is ALWAYS in the best interest of the child and we have no way to know what happened when they can not speak for themselves.

We usually are much more laid back at home when our loved ones get sick.  We say "take a motrin" and don't think twice but when you have symptoms of others we think the worst and we suffer from anxiety until you get better and rule out a life threatening condition.

To me, nursing is the only thing I can ever imagine doing.  Whether it be in the ER or one day in leadership, I am making it the best it can be day to day.  I pride myself with giving the best care I can, giving a smile when I meet a patient for the first time, and using calm direction to ease frustration.  It is worth every minute of lack of sleep to save just one patient.  It is humbling more days than not. It takes great independence, great strength and great determination to get thru a normal day in the ER.  It is not an easy life but it is the life I have chosen and I wouldn't change a thing.

This Is Me- Take It Or Leave It

I figured I would take this opportunity to write about me.  Strengths and weaknesses and put it all out there. Here it goes....

I am a mom with a child of who I am totally obsessed with.  I love just the simple hug, cuddle on the couch or the silent kisses while he sleeps.  I am in no way a perfect mom but it remains the biggest joy of my life.

I am a wife in which I am not perfect.  I expect a lot and don't show as much thankfulness as I should.  I need to work on this more and more each day.  I have a husband who gives me everything and I sometimes give him nothing.  That is reality and that is me.

I am a nurse.  I enjoy the times when my hands make a difference, which I would like to think is every day I am there.  A simple smile to let them know you care.  Don't get me wrong, there are patients who absolutely get on your nerves and it takes much patience to get thru those nights.  

I am LDS.  While my personal testimony is very strong, I still have times of struggles.  I struggle with people who seem to be so quick to judge before they even know you.  My past is why I am me!  I struggle with those who are less faithful in home teaching and visiting teaching.  Sometimes you need a friend.  I struggle with those less often to help serve and lend a hand while others are simply putting everything into it.  There is no perfect LDS person but then it seems like many expect this cookie cutter LDS person that doesn't always exsist.

I have tattoos.  Yes, as much as I can not take them away they are part of me.  I honestly don't care what you think if you see it.  I can now set the tone for others being more accepting.  While I wish I would have thought about them a little more before I did them, none of them are a regret.  I will no longer hide them on purpose.

I am overweight but I am healthy.  For those who don't know, I have struggled my entire life with weight but more since I had Damian.  I have regular check ups, I do not have high blood pressure, I do not have diabetes, I do not have high cholesterol.  I do have thyroid issues which have caused me to be frustrated about not being able to loose weight like others.  I hate my weight but I also have accepted it.  I obviously have goals of loosing it but I am not going to make unrealistic ideals of what I am to be.  I am me!

I have a bit of OCD.  No I do not count or lock my door 100 times.  I simply like perfection.  I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting perfection, however I do realize that I can not expect it from others.  

I always try to do too much.  I have always been this way.  I have tried so many times to change this part of me but I can't.  I offer my services, time and self to all that is asked of me and sometimes I take on alot.  I suppose I can better this part of me but I also have become an amazingly strong and independent person because of this.

I dislike my curly hair but it is part of me.  Most of the time I straighten it because I was teased so much as a kid.  I embrace it at times but most of the time not.

I have very few TRUE friends.  Honestly I can count them on a few fingers.  Why?  I guess I am guarded with letting others in but I feel more because if you truly wanted to be my friend you would get to know me. These few have really gotten to know me, my struggles, my desires and my strengths.  I wish I had more friends but I am content with the few I have.

I am strong willed, focused, determined, motivated, perfection seeking, loving, kind, compassionate and empathetic.  I have flaws and I have many.  I have many days of sadness, anger and frustration.  I have days of joy, love and complete satisfaction.  All of this is me and I love me!

The Troutman Trio established 2000

In March of 1999, I was escaping the world and exploring a chat room.  "macktroll" started chatting with me.  Little did I know that that would be the beginning of my future.

I would speak to "macktroll" via chat and phone for 5 weeks before we decided to meet in person.  Never exchanging a photo I drove to his house (yes a bit crazy) on Mother's Day 1999.  He walks into the living room to see me tapping on his fish tank. "macktroll" was a real person and his name was Russ.  From the moment he saw me, he knew I was the one.  Well, that is how I would like to think it was but it was not really that way.

We would "see each other" because Russ didn't "date".  I knew about October 1999 that this was the man of my life.  We spent nearly every day together and as the days went on my heart was falling in love. Occasionally I would slip and say the "L" word when we would say our goodbyes but I would quickly hang up hoping he didn't hear it.  Women really want the man to say it first so we don't see like a stalker, right!   Russ would also consistently tell me that he wasn't the marrying type and he could not have children because of a brain aneurysm that he had while playing college football.  I insist that is not what I am looking for either but honestly hadn't given it much thought to this point in our relationship.

In December 1999, we went to a New Years Eve party at one of his friends house.  When the clock stuck midnight, he would lean over to me and whisper in my ear "Erika, I love you"!  I was in such shock, I couldn't even say it back.  Well of course after we celebrate with a gentle kiss, I then return the I love you's back.  I knew leaving that night that this would be the man I would marry.  And of course, I kept that to myself, duh!

On January 20, 2000, I would wake with an ear infection.  I have had many my whole life so this should be nothing different.  I went to a quick care, gave them my long ear history and they discharged me with antibiotics which I have taken many times before.  I would start my first dose after dinner, another before bed.

I would wake on January 21, 2000, walk to the bathroom because something didn't feel right.  I take a glance in the mirror and I am shocked to see my  eyes swollen shut, hives everywhere on my body, and I noticed a little difficulty breathing,  I call Russ at work and tell him something is really wrong and he needs to take me back to the urgent care.  Russ would arrive to pick me up and the shocked look on his face because mine was really unrecognizable.

We check back into the quick care and they see the urgency in our faces.  We are taken back to a room, where a doctor comes in to evaluate what could have happened.  He confirms that I have taken this medication before and I verify.  He then tells me that they want to load me with steroids to hurry and open up my airway.  He states "we have to do a quick pregnancy test to make sure before we give you the steroids."  I laugh and say, "we can not have children so no need."  He of course tell me that they need to cover themselves and run it anyways.

10 minutes later he would walk in the room and say "Well you must be having a reaction to the medication because of the baby."  My jaw dropped, I immediately look at Russ and begin to cry.  Russ asks the doctor to please give us a few minutes. The door shuts.  I am crying hysterically by this time and Russ consoles me. I get treated with different medication and am discharged.  As I get in the car I vomit in the parking lot.  Yes, nice visual huh!  We were pregnant?  How is this possible?  We would soon find out that my due date was on my birthday!

Valentine's Day 2000, we would have a great dinner and then would return to his home.  He would sit me down and then his kneeling then followed.  He gently took my hand and spoke few words but words that you only need to hear once. "Erika, will you merry me?"  First, I have a blank stare and didn't even say yes.  My words were actually "You aren't asking me because I am pregnant are you?"  He laughs and reassures me that he had this planned prior to us finding out we were pregnant.  We embrace and here our journey continues.

I would be horribly sick my entire pregnancy, having hyperemesis gravidum.  I would be hospitalized 6 times for just a day or two at a time to get fluids and lab work.  I would then start seeing a high risk Dr as well as my regular OB.  Weekly monitoring of fluid levels and heartbeats.  Was an intense and very physically draining pregnancy.

On June 17, 2000 Russ and I were married in a small event at my parent's home.  It was just perfect and was easy with being preggo.

July 7, 2000, I would go for a routine appointment to my OB.  They do a urine test and some lab work and send me immediately over to the hospital to be admitted for renal and liver failure.  On complete bed rest and not able to leave the hospital this time to ho home, it would be a very long ordeal.  They soon started regular lab tests twice a day, then it was up to three times a day.  I would be started on a magnesium drip along with constant fluids about July 15, 2000.  As anyone who has had magnesium will know, it is awful.  It makes you feel awful, you feel like doing nothing except sleeping.  But it was the only hope of keeping the baby in as long as possible.

About July 22, my Dr would tell me that she is not expecting him to go full term and that I was too sick to continue carrying him.  I was now on blood pressure medication and diagnosed with preeclampsia. Thereafter my blood tests were four times a day round the clock.  This was utterly annoying!  I was getting more sick by the day, started to become discolored and now my kidney and liver enzymes were becoming unmanageable with medication.

I was given doses of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop quicker.  I was told by the nurses and doctors that I would be lucky to have a healthy baby and that he wold probably be in the NICU for up to two months.  I would also be prepared that he may be on a ventilator temporarily and have a feeding tube.  A young mom with never having expectations of having a child was feeling completely defeated.

I remember vividly the lab draw at 5am on Sunday August 6, 2000.  At 9am Dr. Dalley walks into the room and says "Call Russ, we have to take the baby out now.  You are too sick and you may not recover if we don't do this now."  I immediately call Russ at home and am crying with the sense of urgency to come to the hospital.  Before long, Russ, my family and my old bishop was there to give me a blessing. It was time!

7 1/2 weeks early, on Sunday August 6, 2000 at 10:47 in the morning Damian Payne Troutman was born. Weighing a whopping 5lbs and 17 inches long, he was much bigger than they anticipated.  A good thing no doubt.  He only spent 8 hours in the NICU and was off oxygen completely.  He was our miracle child!  I slowly started to recover and spent 5 additional days in the hospital to monitor my labs and be weaned off the magnesium drip.

We would arrive home and start our life as The Troutman Trio.  Now of course we were in a predicament if we ever had another child.

We of course had high hopes with having more children and tried diligently for 10 years.  Sad times would come and go monthly when we realize it just wasn't going to happen.  Sill as of last year when we were retested for Russ' 'count' we would be told zero. The baby fever comes and goes but we now know that we were only meant to have our amazing son.  We would be happy with more but we are completely content with one.

That is our story and how we came to be.  Many wonder and never have asked about why we only have one child.  Now you know!  Now this many put into perspective why I am so obsessed with my son and why I would do anything on earth for him!  My love for him is unexplainable and undeniable.

My Forever Family

My family is forever!  Today was the most sacred and beautiful day of our entire lives.  Russ, Damian and I were sealed in the LasVegas temple today.  I have known this day was coming for over a year but set a date in August and have been mentally counting day since then.  It seems as though when the weeks turned into days and then the days finally into hours, the reality of the promises and blessings we will receive were made ever so real.

When I woke up this morning I knew I had to start the day off differently.  No distractions.  I found a talk by Robert D Hales entitled 'The Temple is About Families'.  Read and posted a caption. We started with no television.  First listened to some church music, then we listened to "family talk" which helped us stay focused and spiritually ready.  Before we would start getting ready, Russ decided that we needed to share our patriarchal blessings with Damian.  We would stop occasionally and discuss our interpretation and the sacredness of some of the promises made to each of us.  As we read, the emotions of the words would occasionally bring a tear.  This is exactly what we needed to be doing!

We arrive at the temple and are escorted to a sitting room where we would wait for a worker to come discuss a few things with us all and then Russ and I would separate from Damian only to know shortly we would be reunited.

Russ and I would gather, discuss our excitement and love for the many friends who would come support us today without seeing any of them.  We would sit down with our Sealer and he would remind us of the most importance of this day in our lives.  

We entered the sealing room with the most anticipation!  Family and friends would give loving smiles and we would try to scan the room to see loved ones we haven't seen in a while and some we see almost daily.  The love was overpowering and the spirit would be abundant.

Once Russ and I are sealed, the sealer asks us if we want to kiss.  I of course give a "look" as we have already been married 13 years, heehee.  I gently showed my love for him.

We are now ready for Damian to come in.  I see him through the mirror behind me.  I completely lose it.  I immediately imagine that he may coming looking for me in the Celestial kingdom and I wait for his loving hand to touch mine.  I can't let go.  As the sealer speaks the words and promises of an eternal family I feel my Heavenly Father's presence and the undeniable love that we have as a family.  I listen and know that this is Heavenly Father's plan for us.

Hugs and embraces would follow from each one who came to be with us.  Some amazing words and support would be spoken and the love we all feel would be a constant reminder of how each of them has touched us.  Each has been an instrumental part in our being at the temple.  From small acts of service to life long friendships and spiritual connections.

As we would return to the lobby, I was stopped by the initial Brother who spoke to us in the sitting room.  He would express to me how when he was with our family he felt the spirit more strongly than he has ever felt before in that room.  He said that he didn't know what our family situation was, where we came from or what lead us to this day but that he knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father was in that room and he was so honored to be there with us.  Now, I was a little caught of guard from his words but all I could do was embrace him and say thank you.  After all, I was already a wreck and my face disheveled.  

I begin to walk out towards the lobby a little more when I encounter our Sealer.  He stops and places his hand on my shoulder, then my hand on his hand.  I immediately imagine the hand of my Savior and Heavenly Father.  The power from that gentle touch will ever be with me.

I finally reach the lobby where Damian enters at the same time.  The grin from ear to ear was ever present.  Of course my first words "Hi Son!  You are mine forever!"  How prefect.

Russ finally joins us (for some reason you men take so long to get dressed, lol).  We are outside meeting with a few of our guests and giving a few more hugs.  Take a few pictures (not too many because my face is a disaster) and we leave to come home.

My words "WE DID IT!  They are mine FOREVER".  Simply put and simply understood.  How much I want this for everyone.  It is my duty and obligation to do my part to get someone else to where we as a family were today.

Thank you for everyone who came today, touched us today and was able to be a part of our memory.

The Troutman Trio Family

Steven and Suzie Hardy, Emilee and Ryan Ence, Cassy and Mike Mummey, Drew and Chris Leavitt, Kristilyn Abbott, Robert and Linda Vance, Ben and Jen Douglas, Eric and Sarah McClellan, Chris and Brande Deuel, Aaron and Gina Graham, Michelle Marvian, Aaron DeJesus, Sandra Hansen, Natalie Day, Mark and Rachel Howard, Cody and Brittney Noble, Rachel Little, Elder Siilata, Elder Jensen, Brent Linville, Michael and Rachel Peterson, Jay Hagfeldt, & my Mom!  And many others who were there in spirit.