Deeper Meanings

Today is Father's Day and for reasons it has been more emotional for me this year than in the past.  Many have fathers that have never been present in their lives.  Many have fathers that have been a part of nearly their daily lives.  My story is a bit different.

Part 1 of my story:  My step dad who raised me from around age 3 until I moved out was there for me until age 21.  At that time, him and my mom were divorced. Shortly after, he was no longer the present figure I once had.  There were no calls from him to me, only the opposite.  Finally I came to realize that his new life was not a part of mine.

It has been almost 13 years and I have seen only a hand full of times.  At some point I began to move on and although there are occasional times of wonder and sadness I have been able to forgive him.  Now many might say "what does he need to be forgiven for"?  Nothing particular.  Just a way for me to be at peace. Just forgiving him for the anger and sadness him leaving caused.

Part 2 of my story:  My father and mother divorced when I was around 2.  I don't recall as a young child when I got to see him (he was in the army) but I remember for sure around age 10 going to see him regularly during the summer for a couple weeks when he and my step mom lived in Barstow, CA.

I have always had a loving relationship with him.  I recall when I would be leaving home during the summer from being with him, I would just cry.  I would cry because I knew the next time I saw him it would be a year later.  I enjoyed so much the summers and those precious times I was able to form a relationship and know that he still loved me even though he was not a daily presence in my life.

I try to text or call him every couple weeks even if it is just a quick hello to see how they are doing.  They now live in Arkansas.  Often it is to make sure they are safe from the tornados!  We skype on occasion and I always make sure to spend the extra time on holidays.  Not sure why I do that as that is when I am the saddest I am not with him.

I long to be close to him in distance.  I long to have that time I never got as a child.  I long those hugs and just the simplicity of sitting next to him on the couch.  I miss those knuckle sandwiches and the sayings that now I have started to say.  I just miss him so much.

So today, I am saddened that I can't be with him to give him that hug and to show him how much I love him. Even posting a photo of him was too sad for me.

Hidden Emotion

Emotions in many ways can bring us to smiles, laughter, tears and sadness. How one deals with that emotion is what has been on my mind lately.

You see a smile, but is it really a smile or is it hiding someone's pain?  You see a laugh but perhaps it is a laugh hiding nervousness.

I have been trying to figure out lately how to be able to express myself more which in turn makes me more vulnerable.  I hate being vulnerable.  It can make you feel insecure, unneeded or unwanted.  It can open that essential can of worms that you aren't quite sure you want opened.

Everyone has personal turmoil and family issues.  I wish there was a place to always safely turn to that you knew people would not judge or think differently of you.  I wish there was always someone who would know exactly what I needed to do.  I know ultimately that my Heavenly Father knows how it will always end up.  I know He gave me my challenges for a reason.  

Recently I spoke with someone regarding how hard it is for me to open up regarding personal matters.  Not about my son or husband because I can talk about them all the time and I love it but about me.  I am not sure how to better adapt to being more open.

I have a hard time showing weakness because I always want to be strong.  I have a hard time expressing what is really on my mind because I don't want to feel rejected, ridiculed or regret my statements.

I continue to pray for guidance and look for the few sacred moments that I do begin to open just as flowers begin to bloom. 

 

Anger and Sadness ~~ Death of a Child

The last couple days I have been unsure how to express my feelings.  Two nights ago at work we lost an infant.  Like most, during the event we are all focused, determined and dedicated to the job we do.  I remember not having "emotion" during.  It was after he was pronounced, cleaned our items from bed and left the room that I lost it.  Ran to a bathroom to get it out.  I thought that would be it.  A good cry and I would get over it.

Periodically, I went back in to see mom and dad. At one point, I helped wash his head of vomit, swaddled him in the blanket and handed him to mom.  I knew they needed that time.  I knew they would remember holding him and the closeness they would feel, if not then, later.

The look of shock, devastation and utter disappointment was what I took away.  I feel like we failed.  I wonder what else we could have done, although I know medically there was nothing.

My sadness is from the heartbreak they must be feeling.

My anger comes from why!!

I am not saying by being LDS we don't take death as sadness, but it appears that we tend to think more into the eternal life of oneself and perhaps that takes away some of the visible sadness?  I don't feel that.  What is wrong with me, I wonder.  I wonder why Heavenly Father would take this beautiful child away from 1st time parents.  I wonder why He made this happen while I was on shift.  I wonder why I couldn't speak "no lets keep going" even though I know it wouldn't have changed the outcome. 

I am struggling to know and have faith that this is ok.  I don't like this part of my job.  I hate this part of my job.  Having to see the pain of loved ones when we tell them there is nothing else we can do.  Having to hear the screams.  Having to wonder if there is something I missed (only bc I always put everything on myself) or if I should have recognized something that I didn't.

A friend whom I work with has told me:  "We gave 100% and there is no regret in that.  We have to hope this is a part of a bigger picture, something out of our hands.  He would have died at home and at least his parents might not blame themselves and they can blame us.  Perhaps that is what Heavenly Father needs. We just don't know Erika.  It sucks for us because we witness life altering events and it's usually the heartache of the families that break us down. They make us think. We go home and hug our kids and appreciate our husbands. And we thank Heavenly Father for the gospel that gives us peace and perspective."

I try to take comfort in her words but I am still angry and still sad.  I can't begin to talk to Russ because all I want to do it cry.  He wants me to talk and I just don't want to.  I feel bad about that but I sometimes think if I keep it inside it will just go away.  

I am not sure what the days will bring as far as emotion, but I do know that my heart is softened and my heart breaks for the families of lost loved ones especially children.  I wish there were words to say but there just isn't.  Perhaps it is just the simple act of a hug, or making sure they are holding their loved ones hand while we are preparing to say goodbye.  Perhaps there is a bigger picture and hopefully one day I will understand or see it.  

Being A Mom

I wanted to express the gratitude I have of being a mother.  Perhaps I take it more to heart as I am lucky to even be a mom.  I say to many of my friends "imagine all the love you have for each of your children and wrap that all into one child".

Being a mom is the greatest blessing of my life.  My life would be completely different without Damian. Pretty much every decision revolves around being a mom.  The places you go visit, the places you go eat, the things you do for fun, and the movies you watch.  

Watching Damian grow up right before my eyes is filled with happiness and sadness.  I reflect on the days as a small infant and child when he needed me for everything and was clinging to me for safety.  Now he is independent and rarely needs me to help with anything and I have to fight for affection.  I also look forward to the day when he comes home with his own family and kisses me on the cheek.

Being a mom shows you how to love, forgive, give unselfishly and appreciate how they also show the same qualities.  Regardless of the struggles of having a teenager, I know that he loves me!  I love the cuddles while watching tv. I love the cooking you now do for me. I love your sweet smile. I love your sarcasm.  I love your personality and quarkiness. I love your honesty and compassion.  I love your eagerness to learn.  I love your simple pleasures.

I love everything about you and I love being your mom.  Being your mom is my dream and reality.  Being your mom is my life and my everything!

His Hands

How amazing were those hands that did all the mighty miracles while here on Earth.  As this Easter holiday comes, may we understand the true meaning of Easter and the humble sacrifice He made for each of us but rejoice in the resurrection.

This is one of the most beautiful videos I have ever watched.  From our family to yours, may you feel as blessed and loved by our Heavenly Father and Savior as we do.

Blessings and then Disadvantages

So I was asked to speak in stake conference 2 weeks ago on 'the blessings that come from being active in the church'. When I was given the topic it seemed natural to list all the things that we have been so blessed with since returning to the church.  I even previously at the beginning of the year had listed out all the things that had taken place in our lives:

September 2012- Returned to church after 14 years

January 2013- Damian was baptized and confirmed

February 2013- Russ called into cubscouts

March 2013- Russ and I receive our patriarchal blessings and Russ received his Melchizedek priesthood

April 2013- I was called to 1st counselor in primary presidency

May 2013- Damian performs baptisms for the dead for the 1st time

June 2013- I was called to primary president and Russ called for Sunday school presidency

July 2013- Temple prep classes begin

August 2013- Damian begins his eagle project 

September 2013- Russ and I receive our temple endowments and Damian completed his eagle project

October 2013- We are sealed in the temple as a family

November 2013- Damian called into Deacons presidency

The list would make many say "how amazing" and to them I say YES!

Now, on the flip side.  Tonight a conversation about the many frustrations and uncertainty that still is difficult after being inactive for so long.  We as a family as still trying to figure out how to live each day to the fullest in the gospel.  Now, for some this may come across incorrectly and I want to just get across my feelings so bare with me.

There are times when we are conflicted with many things that are clearly normal for many families within the church.  There are things that I gather people have been doing for years and perhaps it is just a growing process.  We are still trying to work through these issues.

With life so busy, when do all families find time daily to do scripture study?  Does everyone have regular 9-5 jobs and do you set a specific time each and every day?  Does life and days ever get too busy that you forget or even a week?  We struggle with this.  With my sleeping and work schedule it is almost impossible 4 days a week to find time together to do this.  Not doing it as a family makes us struggle individually.  

Most families get to tuck their kids in bed and say bedtime prayers.  I leave at 6pm for work and is it weird to say bedtime prayers then?  Again, things get busy, I run late and I rush out many times without praying with my family.  Regardless of the many individual prayers we have it doesn't take place of those special family prayers.

Do you really do FHE every single week?  I guess my struggle is that again with my work schedule Mondays are not possible.  We spend my off days together doing activities or doing service as a family but do we sit down and have a song and scripture before hand, no.  We do have treats as a family but somehow I don't think that is mandated for FHE just something we all do most times.

The talks given in sacrament or stake conference or even just relief society or priesthood when someone says "we all know the story (or scripture)"....NO, we don't all know.  Some of us have been inactive for 14 years and may need a refresher.  Why does everyone assume we all know what story in the scripture you are talking about?  Remember that there are new members, investigators and reactive people in attendance. This part alone has made Russ and I both feel completely out of place at times.  Most often, we just look at each other and shrug our shoulders.  Then a feeling of inadequacy lingers.

Russ and I indulge ourselves in service in a way to hope to receive the blessings we missed out on all these years but then struggle when at times there are very little people seem to show the same effort in service. Let's be honest, not all service is the most pleasant but the feelings that come afterward are the reward. Taking time away from a family activity isn't the most ideal but on the flipside if we show our children that the times we can spend together can just be that of doing service it still is time.

Is every calling a "Sunday calling"?  Our callings should be every day.  Everyday we should look to do what we can in our areas.  We should look for opportunities to grow and reach out to others.  I personally spend at least an hour a day just thinking about my calling and the things I can do better.  Not to mention the hours upon hours I actually put into my calling each week.  Our callings bring us blessings and who doesn't want more blessings?  Whether it is visiting teaching, home teaching or any other additional calling.  Be the best you can be!

Perhaps they should have a class for all the reactivations (although sometimes I think we feel like we are the only ones).  A place where we can discuss our struggles and get questions answers.  Or perhaps I just blog about it! 

Love ya'll. I sincerely hope this doesn't come across abrasive but as you all know I open my heart in my blogs and this is just another one for me to look back in years time and see my growth from then to now.

Joyous Occasion

What an amazing opportunity to witness someone being baptized.  I had the privilege to be at a friend's sons baptism tonight.  There were several children being baptized but it was different with his.  Once he began to say the baptismal ordinance, the spirit came rushing in.  He started to cry as he spoke and you could feel how proud he was at that moment.  Same during the confirmation.  His words were quiet but yet I imagine so memorable to him and his wife.

I think of often as I attend any baptism how proud our Heavenly Father is that one more child of His has chosen to take the first step in returning to Him.  I think of Him smiling and jumping for joy.  Well not sure if He would be jumping but surely be happy!

I remember most especially on the day Damian was baptized how special the actual baptism was but I remember more how I felt as he was confirmed.  My heart burst and I wept in joy.  If I, as his mom was that happy, imagine our Heavenly Father.

Just an encouragement to talk with your children about baptism regardless of age.  Attend baptisms when time permits and do temple baptisms.  So many ways to continue to feel that special spirit that is ever present on someone's day.