Our Pain is Nothing

Sometimes you will just find there are moments of sadness.  Sometimes you can not explain why you are sad and of course others you know exactly why.

What do you do when you get in a "funk"?  We can be sulking and withdrawn, we can try to look to a better tomorrow, and we can turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer.

All of the above happened to me in one day. I hate when I want to cry about everything but don't know why.  No matter how hard you try, you can not control it.  This made me think about something more in depth.

You are sitting in church, at work, at the gym  or in the store.  You see a woman or man and they smile pleasantly.  What are your first thoughts?  Little do you know sometimes no matter how bright and nice the smile, that they might be going thru unbelievable pain and sadness.  There are many of us who put on a whole different exterior than how we feel inside.

Be mindful the next time you encounter this.  Make it a priority to reach out, say hello, give a hug.  Just let them know you care.  Don't judge someone by something you hear about them. Get to know them, ask questions, be supportive.

Imagine all the pain you have experienced in your own life.  A death of a loved on, emotional or depression issues, anxiety, fear, weight control issues, family discord; all of these and more could make a person feel hopeless.

Now imagine all of those feelings and give them to one person.  When I think about the pain our Savior had to go through for all of us.  How much did he cry?  I don't even know if we can TRULY understand the depth of the atonement until the day we are reunited with our Father in Heaven and Savior.  As I was sitting in the temple, I found myself looking at a particular piece of art.  Crying at the pain he must have suffered for me.

Oh how little the days of our sadness compare to His days of sadness.  Now we will still have our days but when those days come- look deeper and see that the pain and sadness you are feeling has already been felt by our Savior and then some.  

Our Responsibility to Rescue

"The less active can't long rest content with mediocrity once they see excellence is within their reach"

How true these words for myself as once a less active member.  I encourage you greatly to read the First Presidency Message for the month of October in the Ensign.  So powerful the words of President Monson.

For journaling purposes I want to write a little of my story of inactivity and my reactivation to the church.

Baptized when I was 8 with my mom and sister, I was very active until I was 18 years of age.  Attending almost every week, I don't recall too much of primary but I do recall the amazing years of young women and the testimony that began to grow at that time.  I had some amazing young women's leaders, fun activities, and each time hardship came my faith would show a little more each time.  I attended seminary all 4 years of high school and was so excited to wake up each morning, although SO early!  I honestly don't know how much I personally learned at that time and I think some of it was repetition of going 5 days a week.  I do remember the walks to school from the chapel with all my LDS friends and the presence we made as we all walked together.  Kinda an awesome scene.

Once I graduated, life got busy and seminary and the daily recurrence was over.  I found myself out of normalcy and looking for something else to do.  I was dating a nonmember which obviously didn't make it any easier to want to continue going to church and young women's was over.  A time in my life that I don't know if my testimony was strong enough to keep me "in".

Once you get out of the routine it is easy to make reasons on why to stay home, why to sleep in and what other things you could be doing instead.  Sadly, I am sure is the same for most inactive members.

When I was 21, after having Damian, Russ and I tried to return, only to be disappointed at the lack of friendliness and introducing of people.  We sat right in front of the missionaries for 3 weeks with not one hello.  We only stayed for sacrament then quickly bolted out to home.  On our 4th week the bishop called us to visit.  We were approached with callings and the insistence of paying our tithing.  We felt like the guard we both had up was put up even higher and went home never to return back.

Russ and I always felt like we lived pretty much right and mostly in the standards of the church.  Not much the desire to smoke, drink or "party".  We were more about our family and spending time together.  Our excitement was going to a movie and catching dinner.  Still our excitement, heehee.  We always felt like we could still "live the LDS way" without attending church.

Many years would go by, 11 years to be exact.  We would still get the occasional 'knock on the door', avoiding it, muting our TV and hushing the dogs.  Pretty funny when I think back at it.  We would make our comments like "they tracked us down again". 

Damian had a 5th grade math teacher by the name of Mr. Drysdale.  As the year went by, he would encourage Damian to speak to us about attending scouts.  We had priced scouting and were reluctant only because Damian will like something and then a couple months later be disinterested.  He was surely persistent!  Finally we agreed to take Damian only to find out it was held at the church.  We cautiously dropped him off then hurry and drove away trying to avoid any conversations that may take another turn other than scouting.

During this time, I had a chance conversation with a fellow nurse at work when she asked me, "are you LDS?"  That would turn a simple question into an emotional and spiritual discussion on my inactivity and my youth experiences.  How that question has changed my life today and how eternally grateful I am to you Emilee.  My connection with you Emilee is a whole post on its own!

Eventually they made us have conversations at home about how nice they were, how 'non-pressuring' they seemed and how they are taking a liking to Damian and the friends he was making.  We would discuss at great length after 6 months of Damian attending scouts if we wanted to consider trying to return to church.  Finally we agreed.  We would start slow and return.  Even set a specific date of September 2, 2012.  Had to psych ourselves up for it!  We discussed that we would only attend sacrament for the first month, then ease ourselves into the other meetings after that.

As we were driving that morning to the church, I had a feeling I needed to attend the entire blocks of meetings.  I told Russ "I know you want to leave after sacrament and that is fine.  Just come pick me up later"  I told him I felt like I needed to dive all in.  He left with Damian after sacrament and returned to get me afterwards.  I spoke of the feeling of peace I would have that day and the emotion that came with sitting in the presence of so many wonderful people.  The next week, he and Damian attended all 3 blocks and here we are today!

In 7 months, I would be called as the 1st counselor in the primary presidency.  By month 8, I would be released and called as president in the primary presidency. 

Now 13 months later, we are endowed and soon to be sealed as a family for all time and eternity.  My life has changed forever and my testimony will be forever strengthened because of the kindness, persistence and the patience of so many others.

You had the responsibility to 'Rescue' the Troutman family and because of you we are here today.

My eternal gratitude seems not enough compared to the pure joy in my heart today.

Self-Reliance--Stake Conference & Missionary Work

I am feeling compelled to write a few things today.  So many things keep us busy in life.  We each have different hurdles, different activities with the kids, work or home craziness; are you making time for all that is needed and required?

This month's visiting teaching lesson is on self-reliance.  An issue to most moms who only worry about their kids and husbands.  A few things I thought about while visiting my sisters.... We can only help others when we are helping ourselves.  Now this can be spiritually or physically.  How can you teach by the spirit when you aren't inviting the spirit into your own life as often as you should?  When you are full spiritually and your "oil lamp is full", you are more often compelled to share the gospel, make prompted visits, share personal stories that may touch someone and be more open to the spirit in general.

For several months, my friend Emilee and I have been praying specifically for a few co-workers both inactive and a non member.  I felt like after several conversations with the non member, that I should get a Book of Mormon and write a small portion of my testimony and then also invite Emilee to write hers before we gave it to him.  Finally after a month of having the Book of Mormon, with a little hesitation to not ruin a friendship, we gave it to him.  He informed us the next night that he had read for 3 hours!  Only joy can come from being a missionary and sharing the truthfulness of the gospel and knowing that someone is hearing it.  Our prayers continue that he will more more open and eager to learn more.

Stake conference was this past weekend and as I listened, I wrote a few notes that touched me.

President Peterson said this "If I know what I know, why do I do what I do?"  Profound!  If we know the gospel, the right things to do, the service we should perform, the love and kindness we should show and the non-judgmental views.... Why do we do anything but that?  Reminds me often of the song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me".  If our Savior was here and standing in our present rooms, would we be any different?  Now, clearly we are not perfect and we each need to improve.  Having said that, if we think if the statement above wouldn't it be easier to be better?!?!

Brother Glass the Sunday school president talked about being a disciple of Christ.  Are we truly being disciples, and being a rescuer to those around us.  Are we only serving when we are called on?  Are you going out of your way and taking that extra little time to make yourself available to help others?

Primary stake president, Sister Proksch tells a story about the Savior loving all men.  Robbie tells her "he didn't love everyone".  She replies "yes he does".  Robbie then says "He didn't love bad people".  She replies "Yes he does"  Robbie then says "He doesn't love thieves".  She replies "Yes he sure does".  Finally Robbie says "He didn't love the people who killed him"  She then replied "Actually, he did love them."  Robbie then tells her that is is going to ask his Dad.  Later on at church, she feels a tug on her dress.  She looks down and it is Robbie.  Robbie says "My dad says He did love them".---- To know that the Savior loves us so much and no matter what we do He loves us.  Makes turning to Him so much easier!  Nothing we can do will let Him turn His back on us.

More Holiness Give Me

Today was an absolutely amazing day!  Russ and I received our temple endowments.  This has been a long time coming and we have finally arrived at the door of the most holy place on Earth.  We are so blessed to have had so may supporters along the way.  The song "I love to see the temple" and 'I am going there someday'...finally a reality.

The feelings felt today are somewhat indescribable and understandably so.  Some will only understand because they have been there.  Others will not and I pray that each of them will accept and be in the same place were were today.  How beautiful it was!

Thank you to the sister for walking with me today thru everything!  I know that each of the temple workers is exactly where Heavenly Father needs you to be giving the support and guidance to those in need.  It will be a day I remember forever. 

I want to express my thanks to each of you that were not able to be there but that were instrumental in our day today, but I also can not go without giving special and personal thanks to those there today.  A few who have been through some rough times with us and have also been a light of encouragement.

Emilee Ence, you are my driving force and I am honored to have you in my life.  I have said this many times but I will always remember the walk up to work when you just blurted out "Are you LDS?" and my response was "Yes, but I am not active."  That one question opened up a friendship between us that will never be taken for granted.  Your one question led to hours upon hours of gospel talk and the history of my inactivity.  From talk about girls camp, missionary work, fasting and praying for others and now primary... You are an amazing woman who I am so blessed to know.  I know we will have many more years of talk at the nurses station and cries from our spiritual experiences.  I could have hugged you forever today.  Thank you!  I am so thankful I was able to meet Ryan today!

Chris Leavitt, what a hilarious but yet kind friend of mine.  The best escort I could have asked for. From the days of stalking me at Lazy Day to today, you have always been there for encouragement and never giving up on us.  I appreciate the effort now although I did not back then.  I know we will be lifelong friends and I will always be here to let you know when you are digesting acid!  heehee

Drew Leavitt, you deserve to have your own thanks, lol.  Russ looks up to you so much and we are so blessed to have you as well in our lives.  You have always been there for us and never pressured gospel talk to us when we were not active.  It was times that then you touched us the most.  Always knowing what to say but with a tender touch.  The words your expressed on some 7 years ago "the people in the church are not perfect but the church is" has stayed with us for so long!  We remember that when times seemed to have questioned.

Day family- what a huge support you have been in our lives this last year.  We love your family and we love the spirit you bring into conversations.  We are so lucky to have you in our lives.  We are luckier that you still accept us with our craziness!

Bishop Hardy and Suzanne- although quiet, Suzanne, you radiate with spirit.  Bishop, never having doubted our commitment this last year, I feel so happy to have you in my life.  I feel as though you may be one of the most humble and loving men.  The ward is so blessed to have you leading us under direction.

Concoby family, first for me personally- I am so lucky!  Susan, my first and best visiting teaching partner.  Oh how the spirit is so strong when we meet and I am amazed at the love you bring.  Charlie, we have had many conversations, especially since I have been in primary.  Undeniably, the ability you have to ease my fears, clam a story sea and know exactly what to say.  The discussions of the gospel, the power of prayer and faith and the reliance of a special friendship.  Thank you!

Dr. Walker for inviting yourself, heehee and I am so glad you did.  Who would have thought that by accepting a job at Mtn View that I would meet some great LDS doctors knowing they are giving some of the most caring bedside medical care.

Christine Shelby- how great it was to be able to have a heart to heart today.  Tears cried will always be remembered in my heart.  I am always here for you!

Michelle, first let me say that I absolutely care about you!  From the bottom of my heart, I am so lucky that we were placed together in primary and I know that this is only the beginning of our friendship.  You were in the right place today and the spirit manifested that.

Douglas family, great to have you as a start in our church lives again.  Home teachers that are diligent and caring!  Never goes unnoticed.  For my hair go to lady- the talks that take place in that chair can only lead to greatness.

Graham's- thank you so much for the support today.  It meant the world and we know that 2 additional Graham's were there with you in spirit.

Aaron D, how many times have you invited the spirit into our home, provided much needed blessings and been there as a spiritual guidance for our family.  From gospel principals to game night: it is always full of enlightenment and knowledge.  We love your family (and that cute little girl of yours)

Elder Rogers and Lovell, we are so thankful you were able to spend this day with us.  Very few missionaries (as of now) have been able to touch our lives as some of you.  You were 2 of them.  The love and care you showed to our family from Damian's baptism to random calls now is much loved!  Forever in our hearts you will remain.

Sheldon and Charli, you made our day by taking our pictures.  We are so lucky to be getting to know you more and more as time goes on and we can not thank you enough for being part of our special day.

Keser's- although seldom one on one time, we had your support and we are so thankful.  It just goes to show that the simplest gestures of love is exactly what our Savior wants from each of us.

Deuel family, we have begun to know you a little more and I am lucky to VT Brande.  Continued support from your family means the world and we are grateful for both of you.  Your kids are so great in primary too!

Livingston's, can I just say a little secret.... I refer for Brother Livingston "as the cutest grandpa".  That is with so much love but how 'we in the world of nursing' refer to the cutest elderly.  I won't call you that at church...maybe!  Joyce, thank you for doing our clothes for today.  It meant the world to have your craft be a part of making our lives a little simpler at such a crazy time.

Kristilyn, as we share the world of nursing, I am sure we will continue to share experiences but for today I am so thankful you could be a part of it.  

Mom and Ron, you have always known we would return to the place where we should be.  Thank you for all the support and love you have shown us along the way.  This is only the beginning of the journey of eternity. xoxo

NOW, on to the possible best day in our lives on October 19, 2013 when we will be sealed to one another and Damian for all time and eternity.  What a disaster I will be and hopefully will remember to take pictures ahead of time!  We hope many more can be there on this most important day in our lives.

Preparation and Reflection

We always seem to be busy in the Troutman house but the last week and the coming week will be especially busy in preparation for different activities.

We were able to get our temple clothing.  It was an overwhelming experience with a lot to take in but we did it!  With only 8 more days until we are blessed enough to be there, it is becoming more real as the days pass.We are so lucky to have so many great friends who will be there with us.

Damian is still trying to complete his eagle project but the weather has not been cooperative.  He is scheduled to go back at it tomorrow so we are hoping the weather holds out.  It has been so stormy lately-

The primary program is coming up the 15th.  The kids have worked so hard on the music they will be singing.  It will surely be an amazing experience that I am so honored to be a part of.  I was asked by someone "do you really like it in primary?"  My answer was simple "It is the best place I could imagine being!"  The joy it brings to be each and every Sunday is indescribable.

I applied for another ER position at a different hospital.  Only on a per-diem basis.  Just want to have the option to work an extra day here and there.  Now that Damian is back in school, the days sometimes drag with nothing to do.  Not sure why I want to work more, but I do truly love being a nurse.

Had an amazing visiting teaching last week.  I have always enjoyed when the spirit it there but it was more abundant this last time.  My companion and I made sure to pray before we went to our sister's house and it seemed to be just what we needed.  Not only did it allow us to have a more thoughtful visit but the closeness you feel with your companion is amazing.  I am so blessed to have a great companion and great women to visit.  We should all do this every month and receive the blessings that can come to us if we do so.

Have a great upcoming week everyone and I will be sure to update again I am sure after next Saturday "The Day".

The Time Has Come

Something that seems so simple and "an old thing" to many is "a new thing" for us!  We are going to the temple!  In 16 short days Russ and I will take our endowments out.  This is an amazing time!

I find myself very over-emotional the last few weeks.  I cry about everything, and no I am not pregnant.  I find myself talking with a friend at work every opportunity we get to discuss the church, our progress, our friendship and how we oddly find each other to be a great strength.  I think she is way better a strength than I.  For the record, her name is Emilee E. I feel honored to have met her and I find myself looking to her for the simplest of things.  She reminds me of how far our family has come and I find her to be a big part of my personal progress.  Someone you can always lean on, someone to tell your greatest struggles and they give you hope.

The happiness that comes from knowing I consider myself worthy to enter the temple is probably the biggest battle.  We always can find ourselves failing in an area and are harder on ourselves than those around us.  

Russ has been so great!  As I grew up without the priesthood in my home, I would always turn to my bishop for guidance and blessings.  Now I have a priesthood holder in my home.  From the ability for him to give Damian and I blessings to asking us to read our scriptures or church magazines.  He is leading our family to eternity.  He is our family foundation and I am so blessed.

When I think of the emotion I will feel in 9 days, it is incomprehensible!  One thing for sure--waterproof mascara will be in full force that day!  I can only imagine but it will soon be a reality.

To sum up the feelings; 

I feel so lucky to be where I am. Regardless of struggles, regardless of the adversary working his best.  I feel so lucky to have the family I have, the job I have, the home I have, the primary calling I have, and so many more blessings Heavenly Father gives to me daily.  Me feeling to blessed and lucky to enter the temple is what I think it the over emotion I am feeling on a daily basis.

Those who have entered and partaken of the sacred covenants should be reminded that this is not something that everyone gets.  We need to know how truly lucky we are to receive this blessing.  Don't take it for granted, attend often and be the example that a stranger perhaps need to one day be there themselves.

President Monson said in the Jan 2012 Ensign "So much in life depends on our attitude.  The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference.  To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."

Oh times change.....

Wow, we have come so far.  My goal is for this to be our new way to keep you all informed and keep a more personal journal of our lives.

As I was reading the last entry, which yes I know was so long ago, I realized how far we have come.

As many of you may or may not know, Russ and I became inactive from the church when we were out of high school.  In September of 2012 we returned after many months of deciding if it was the right time.  Now I am so proud to say that we are almost here at a year later and have a temple date set for our endowments and sealing.  We are unbelievably happy and have never been so sure of something.  The reality that we will be with each other for eternity is an amazing feeling.  I can not wait to write the feelings of that day! September 14, 2013 and October 19, 2013 as an FYI!

I currently serve as the primary president of the Shadow Creek Ward.  Russ currently is serving as 2nd counselor in the Sunday School presidency.  Damian is a deacon.  The primary answered so many prayers and I have never felt more in the right place then now.

Damian is going to be going into the 8th grade this month.  Next year high school! Uh oh!  We are so proud of the young man he is becoming.  The caring he shows is always how I knew he would be.  A kind, compassionate, generous, thoughtful and respectful young man.  He is very involved in scouting and is currently working on doing his Eagle project.  2014 surely will grant an amazing Eagle scout!

Russ is still very involved in working out.  He has a great routine and is a great example to us all of dedication.  He is currently staying at home being a great house hubby!  He keeps this house alive and that is a relief.  I am so thankful we have the ability to have him stay home.  I know he will one day be eager to get out but for now it works out perfectly for us all.

I am still working as an ER nurse at Mtn View Hospital.  Almost 2 years now which is even crazier.  I was once the new grad and now I feel so in place.  I love being a nurse and will never imagine anything differently.  I am at peace.  Although there are rough nights, I never refuse to go back.  I am in it for the long haul.

Well, that is a quick update and I really hope I continue regular entries.  I feel like this might be the right place for future generations to look back on our family and see where we have come and where we are going.

Love ya'll so much!