I Guess I Worried Some of You----So Sorry

First, thank you. Thank you for the kind words and phone calls trying to be anonymous. I truly appreciate it.

I thought it was normal to be having a bad day and feel ok to write about it. Just like keeping a journal (at least I thought). I definately felt better after writing and do think I will do it again so here is your pre-warning, heehee.

I am usually the person who might have a bad day but keeps all the emotion inside bottled up and just releases it at home. Not so good for the hubby but it seems to work ok. The one and only time I have LET IT ALL OUT on here and people are freaking out. I never knew it would be thought of so worrysom that's all.

I am ok, the family is ok. I just think when you are used to things a certain way and when you haven't had top expierence some things, there are things that just tug at your heart a little harder than others. We have always been able to provide well for Damian and this year we struggled. Like many others and many worse off than us, I do not want to take away from them.

With the help from some family Damian did get a few things and he really was thankful! From the bottom of our hearts THANK YOU.

Ok, well again, I am sorry if I worried some of you but I am not sorry I wrote about it. It felt really good to get it all out and to feel that lift of anxiety come off.

Love you all and thanks for the love you give to us.

(Hey...and to YOU....the one who called from out of state to a friend of relative...yeah YOU! You are amazing! Thank you for caring.)

SICK SICK SICK

The Troutman's have been sick this last week. Damian BEFORE Christmas, Russ ON Christmas and Me AFTER Christmas. Ughhh. Lots of sore throats, stuffy heads and mucousy crud. Hopefully we will all be back up to speed this coming week.

Some Days Are Sad Days...This Is One Of Those...

I am feeling blue today. :( Listening to the radio this morning on the way to work and they were talking about the holiday. Here it is 10 days before Christmas and we haven't been able to buy Damian anything. We have already told him that we would have to wait till I get my school loan money in mid January and that we would have Christmas then.

I might pull our Christmas tree out on Christmas Day then leave it up till then end of January so it can kinda of feel like it anyways. This is the first time in 10 years that I just can't get myself to pull everything out when it doesn't seem the same as years prior.

I know that this will be temporary and that maybe next year will be better and I know that it isn't about the gifts but how does a 9 year old HONESTLY understand that. He tells us he does but can he really? It breaks my heart when he says "Mom I know we don't have money for Christmas but maybe if you can afford it can you buy me that?" as we watch a commercial with a rubber dart gun.

How can I expect him to go back to school after winter break and when other kids ask him what he got he says "nothing yet."

Tell me its normal for me to feel guilty about this. It's a mom thing right?

Ok I need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and get out of this depressed hole I'm in.

New Beginnings

"It isn't the load that breaks you-- it is how you carry it"

What an amazing quote. This has really inspired me the last few days and is something I try to remember every morning. My family has been my rock the last few weeks and I am truly excited for a new beginning. Today may be the beginning of a fantastic new opportunity. I eagerly await to see!

A little bit of everything!

A boy and his dogs!

Pondering

So many things to either do, look forward to, or hope for. My baby boy will be 9 next week. Crazy! It seems like just yesterday we were in an emergency c-section, hoping that he would be healthy. Healthy he is thank goodness. I could not imagine my life without him. I honestly think my soul would be lost. Damian and Russ really keep me going and keep me motivated to move in the right direction, as hard as it can be sometimes.

This semester is coming to an end in a couple weeks. It has been an exciting semester, at least more exciting than the last one. Actually doing things I love (ER work)....so exciting! I have 2 1/2 wks off then back to the grind all over again.

Russ is working for a promotion at his job. We have been praying that it will come soon. Struggling sometimes is not easy but in time I know that it is just a challenge and we are getting through it TOGETHER. He is my rock (even though I usually wear the pants, lol)! I am very thankful that I have him and that all the motions of fate that put us together on that ONE day 10 years ago. Wow, how things could have been so different. I wouldn't change a thing!

My uncle's life memorial/celebration is this weekend and I am not able to make it to do finances and school. I wish I could be there but it just isn't so. I will be there in heart and I know my family will understand.

Ok, well back to the hussle. Everyone have a wonderful day!

SUMMER TIME

Well Damian is out for the summer and is excited as most kids. We took him to spend time with his grandparents in Parhump this last weekend. Now I am going through Mommy withdrawls. I miss being able to kiss him a million times (which he so can't wait for me to do everyday).

Everything else is going well. Russ is working alot of overtime until they fill some positions. And I am going crazy with school. It is exhausting when you have virtually no time with anyone other than school mates. Pretty sad I see them more than my own family these days.

We have no real plans for the 4th because Damian is not with us. I will be writing a paper for school and doing homework. HOW EXCITING!!!

Hope everyone is doing well and we do think of you often. Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

THANKFULLNESS

Isn't it wonderful to wake up and be grateful for everything we have. Of course, there are challanges along the way, but it seems wonderful still.

Russ and mine anniversary is next week. 9 great years. All in all I don't think either of us could complain about where we have come from and how far we have come TOGETHER.

WHAT A WONDERFUL LIFE!!!

I love you baby!

Good Mornings!

It is always nice to wake up with the refreshing morning atmosphere and feel like every day is a new beginning. I think often about how nice it is to have new beginnings and reflect on all the things I am so grateful for. My husband who love me more than the world itself, my son who couldn't be more perfect in my eyes, having a steady job, the ability to have a good head on my shoulders, and the happiness that comes with having a home, a car and all the other things that sometimes we take for granted. Ahhh..... let today be as good as can be and let smiles be abundant today.

Hope everyone's day is full of smiles and happiness!

Simply Crazy

Counting down the days till school starts again.... 6 days...omg! Am I ready? No but yes. Am I excited? YES! Am I looking forward to 20 hours of school plus 45 hours per week of work? No, but I understand the sacrifices now for later. I have been cleaning like a mad woman this week and intend to keep at it till Friday. It won't get done for a while with school.

Damian is anxious for school to get out. His school opened late (due to being a new school) and so not like most kids getting out this week, he gets out the 25th. SUMMER! At least for him!

Now that my blog is up and running and with cute decorations, I need to stay on top of it! I started not too long ago and am excited to keep all the family imformed this way. So much easier than sending out all those emails.

Well, gotta hit the hay so I can rise and shine at 5 am. Gotta love work!

How Time Changes Everything!

Well, how things change. Seems like a whole different world when things are so less dramatic. On March 16th, I am no longer at my job of almost 8 years. Big huh?! I think so. Well to fate and luck, I was only on the unemployment line for 3 days. I feel like I am pretty qualified and that definatley lead to my new job. My new job is great! The people are amazing and you actually get the idea that you CAN work with people who aren't judgmental and not jealous of your knowledge. A little less pay but well worth it! Less stress, more appreciation...couldn't ask for much more than that.

Damian is getting ready for spring break. He will be spending the week with his great-grandparents in Parhump (an hour away). OH NO! What will I do? Russ and I haven't been away from him for more than 2 days EVER. Hopefully I don't drive myself there in the middle of the night.

I guess that might prepare me a little better for summer. He wants to go visit my dad and step mom (papa and mima) and that will be a big test of me being strong. AHHHH--

Russ if working like crazy. He is going between 2 stores to help out another manager.

The dogs are great! Loving as usual.

Well, that's it for now. Gotta get back to listening a little at school.
Love you all!

HMMMM.....JUST THINKING

Well, sitting here thinking about nothing particular but still thinking about alot. Somedays it is so dreadful to be at work and others seem to be fine. I guess that what comes after almost 8 years. Ahhh. School is on my mind and how crazy it has been. So much work, so much reading (that I don't do but should) and so much unknown!

Ok, gotta get back to it!

A DAY LATER...

What a day makes. Well for some things.... I had the amazing chance to speak with my grandma whom I haven't spoken to in about 4 years. Things for both of us were completely validated and some things were taken out of context. But it did make me feel better about some of the family siutations. Relief... I deserve that!

Still trying to fingue out how I look at someone who I KNOW betrayed me. I have lost a lot of respect for this person and need to find someway to move on....either by discussing it (which could be detrimental to our friendship) or forgetting it (hard to do). Not sure yet, but I'm sure in the coming days it will be revealed to me.

I sure love my husband. He is an amazing listener and I feel his love daily. I am so blessed to have him in my lfie and I am honored to be his wife. My son, my husband and my dogs=MY LOVES!!!

Hope every who reads this has a wonderful day!

PONDERING

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to have a "complete" family. A family who got along with one another, a family who expressed their love for each other, a family who didn't hold grudges, a family who go toether on the holidays and it was so amazing to be around ALL of them. Will I ever get that family? I guess all I can do is wish. Wishes seem so far fetched sometimes.

I'm wondering if my father will call. He said he would but I haven't heard from him. He said it would be different and things would change. Not yet. I know that I tried and I tried and I called and I went over....nothing in return. Guess maybe I shouldn't have feelings. If I didn't I wouldn't be upset.

I should stop wondering why I wouldn't have been wanted at my own uncle's memorial. If you have never felt not wanted, that was the day. Feeling as though you aren't good enough, not worthy enough, not loved. And all I did was get upset that I wasn't included in a family portrait. Only the "real" kids were. But I guess I don't have the right to feel that way either.

Guess I'll stop feeling.