This is going to be a very honest, real, sad and beautiful story of love and how pure it can be.
About 5 years ago I received a private message on facebook from an old family friend. In this message I was basically told to look into a guy named Mark and that the man I knew my entire life as my Dad was not my Dad at all.
When I first received this information, I reached out to several family members and asked questions because I was also told that this wasn't anything that was a secret within the family only to me. The questions I asked only lead to more questions, concerns and doubts and pretty soon I couldn't bare to deal with it. I shoved it down, cried often and began to be reluctant in any relationships I formed. It was always a possibility in my mind that they would betray me, lie to me and be deceitful.
All these years later I can share this story because I was able to finally, after these heartbreaking years, many sleepless nights, and anger have the conversation I long dreaded with my Dad. As we sat in the backyard enjoying our last night together from his visit, I felt like I had to get the burden of the weight I had carried for so long lightened. Knowing all well that it would not be lifted completely.
I began by sharing that I received this message and asked if he had ever been told or wondered himself about me being his biological child. He had told me that there was a time when someone mentioned it to him but he thought they were just trying to start rumors and cause problems. We continued on as tears streamed down my face, then his, and discussed the details of timeline, marital affairs and the ultimate split from my mom.
At one point we just stood up and cried as we hugged one another in the most gentle and loving embrace I have ever had from him. We then sat by one another, holding hands, gently showing affection and love for the other with sometimes silence and sometimes more tears.
There we discussions about how my mom asked him to give up my older sister and I for adoption to my step-dad and he refused. I am so thankful for his decision since the man who raised me for almost all my childhood has nothing to do with me for the last 10 years. I guess I can't be surprised when abandonment issues arise or sadness overcomes happiness.
As I have wondered for these years if I was truly his, he lovingly made a reference "you have my hair". I can't say I haven't said the same thing before to myself but not knowing what the other guy looks like I can't validate. I try to compare blood types but him having the most common doesn't help either. I look like no one in my family while my older sister looks identical to them. How could I not wonder? He then asked me "do you want to do a paternity test" and then "but will that get you the answers you need". Exactly what I have been asking myself, again, for years.
Will that test give me? Will it be the answer I would only hope it is that he indeed is my father? Or will it be the crushing reality I am not ready to face in certainty. Yes, I wonder where I might come from and who this other person is. I wonder if I get any of my attributes from him and I wonder if he even knew I was his if that is the case. Did he not care if he did know? Did my mom tell him the possibility?
What I do know is that no matter how I move forward and what I told my Dad is that it changes nothing. He will always be my Dad and always be the one I refer to as Dad.
After some reflection I also remember some important memories of childhood. I vividly recall every summer going to Barstow where he was stationed and spending time with him and Ange, my step-mom. I remember when I would get dropped off I would be so excited to see them. On the flip side I would cry the entire way home as soon as we drove away. Why when I only saw him in the summers did leaving him hurt so much? Maybe all along it was bringing me to understand my emotions at this very moment.
That is doesn't matter who's DNA you have. It doesn't matter who raises you. It matters who SHOWS you the love you have always longed for that you rarely saw as a child. It matters who tells you they love you and has never done anything to have you doubt their intentions or love.
I am not saying my Dad is a perfect man but what I do know is that his unconditional love is perfect enough for me.
