I am angry. I am hurt. I wonder why my Heavenly Father won't bless me in that way. Does He not think we can do it? Does He not think we have enough love for another child? WHAT IS IT?
What led me to taking this test after we have been told numerous times we are unable to have children? Well being 13 days late made me. I have been a week late but never this long.
The shock of 'what if', 'why this long wait'. The anxiety of how will we start all over again. The wonder of how is this possible considering Russ' last analysis showed zero. Yes zero! In all those feelings, the silent excitement of perhaps this is all happening for a reason.
After waiting day by day for my cycle to start, it didn't. We walked into the store and bought the test. So weird considering we haven't done a test in about 10 years. Tears were abundant. After taking two tests and both with the same result, reality hit.
Could there be a sigh of relief for Russ? I am sure. When we already budget our lives it is easy to be at peace with not having the struggle. Then I say "well how do they do it with 5 and 6 kids and only one income?" Clearly Heavenly Father provides a way for them, and He will do the same for us.
Although a sense of relief of not beginning all over again after almost 15 years, it still makes me angry and THAT is the reality. I am angry. I am honestly hurt. I wonder if anyone knows the pain and hurt. I don't see any families at church with only one child. I feel like an outcast.
Then when people make comments like 'cut the cord' or 'your mom shouldn't always make your decision' or 'do what you want to do' to Damian. The reason I don't want to live any day of my life without my son is because he is my only one. I know some comments are meant as humor, but honestly, I will never take it as that. I take it very personal. No, I will never hold Damian from going somewhere he wants to go, taking a school trip or going on a mission. It doesn't mean it makes it any less painful. So take it from someone who is saying this, please stop thinking I am 'too controlling'. I will never stop. He is my world and I will do all that I can to spend every day and every meaningful moment with him.
As I continue to wipe the tears as I write this, I just want to one day understand why. I know I may never understand in this life. I walk by faith that I will one day have the answers. But please understand in this life, when I have a day like today, just be a little more understanding and a little more sympathetic to the one who only has one child.
