Periodically, I went back in to see mom and dad. At one point, I helped wash his head of vomit, swaddled him in the blanket and handed him to mom. I knew they needed that time. I knew they would remember holding him and the closeness they would feel, if not then, later.
The look of shock, devastation and utter disappointment was what I took away. I feel like we failed. I wonder what else we could have done, although I know medically there was nothing.
My sadness is from the heartbreak they must be feeling.
My anger comes from why!!
I am not saying by being LDS we don't take death as sadness, but it appears that we tend to think more into the eternal life of oneself and perhaps that takes away some of the visible sadness? I don't feel that. What is wrong with me, I wonder. I wonder why Heavenly Father would take this beautiful child away from 1st time parents. I wonder why He made this happen while I was on shift. I wonder why I couldn't speak "no lets keep going" even though I know it wouldn't have changed the outcome.
I am struggling to know and have faith that this is ok. I don't like this part of my job. I hate this part of my job. Having to see the pain of loved ones when we tell them there is nothing else we can do. Having to hear the screams. Having to wonder if there is something I missed (only bc I always put everything on myself) or if I should have recognized something that I didn't.
A friend whom I work with has told me: "We gave 100% and there is no regret in that. We have to hope this is a part of a bigger picture, something out of our hands. He would have died at home and at least his parents might not blame themselves and they can blame us. Perhaps that is what Heavenly Father needs. We just don't know Erika. It sucks for us because we witness life altering events and it's usually the heartache of the families that break us down. They make us think. We go home and hug our kids and appreciate our husbands. And we thank Heavenly Father for the gospel that gives us peace and perspective."
I try to take comfort in her words but I am still angry and still sad. I can't begin to talk to Russ because all I want to do it cry. He wants me to talk and I just don't want to. I feel bad about that but I sometimes think if I keep it inside it will just go away.
I am not sure what the days will bring as far as emotion, but I do know that my heart is softened and my heart breaks for the families of lost loved ones especially children. I wish there were words to say but there just isn't. Perhaps it is just the simple act of a hug, or making sure they are holding their loved ones hand while we are preparing to say goodbye. Perhaps there is a bigger picture and hopefully one day I will understand or see it.
